Return of the 'Return of the Celery Sticks'
by Legolas stalker
Summary: That's right folks! Now YOU can get your VERY OWN SEQUEL for the low, low price of REVIEWING!
1. Howdy there, Middle Earth!

And now…due to popular demand and much bitching….

IT'S….

**_THE SEQUEL TO "RETURN OF THE CELERY STICKS!!!!"_**

**__**

*ahem* I will only continue this work on one condition:

THAT Y'ALL STOP BUGGIN' ME ABOUT UPDATES!!!

And now, on with the sequel!!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter One: New Beginnings

Right.  So after getting killed in a car crash, being in a giant white room, an incident with some talking brocolli, being naked in front of a '70s disco dancer named Suga Daddy, I was back in Middle Earth. And I had just unintentionally flashed Legolas a few minutes ago.  I have such a normal life.

Apparently, I had popped back up while Legolas was living in Ithilien.  Yay, he was taking me home with him! I looked around.  Strange.  It was much different than they had depicted it in the movie.  It had tall trees growing all around and a grassy forest floor.   I looked over at Waffle Boy, who was walking next to me and watching me look around.

"Sooo… Legolas," I said, trying to make conversation.  "How are things?"

He smiled and nodded.  "Fairly well.  As you obviously know, Sauron was defeated, and the number of remaining orcs has been greatly decreased, though there are some left."

"How's Aragorn?"

"He is a great king now," Legolas answered, sounding quite proud of his friend.  "He and Arwen have had a child."

I beamed.  "How old is he…she…it?"

Legolas chuckled.  "_He_ is nearly three years now."

"I want to see them!"

"Of course.  But first I want to take you to my home.  There are people there that would greatly enjoy seeing you again."  The biggest, dorkiest grin ever exploded onto my face.

"Elladan?" I said with a squeaky voice.  Legolas nodded.  "Elrohir?" Another nod.  "OH MY GAWD!!!" I screamed.  Some birds that had been roosting in a nearby tree flew off with angry caws, and Legolas clapped his hands over his ears.  I grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry."

"One thing is certain.  You have not lost that outrageous shriek you had when you were a child," he mumbled loudly.  

"Hey, I was _not_ a 'child'!  I was fifteen, thankyouverymuch."  

"That still qualifies as a child."

"Nuh-_uh! _ I was a _young woman_," I said, stopping and putting my hands on my hips.  Legolas stopped and shook his head with a smile.

"It does not matter.  You are no longer a _young woman_ anyways," he said softly.  I looked down at my shuffling feet.  He was silent for a minute.  "Come.  The longer you stand there staring at the ground, the longer you're putting off seeing the sons of Elrond."  I looked up, grinned, and we started walking again.

~*~

(A/N: Since I don't know what sort of structure dear Leggy lived in at Ithilien, I'm just going to call it a castle thing.  Correct me in your review if you know where he really lived.)

Legolas peeked in the door, then gestured to me.  "Coast is clear," he said quietly.  He told me he wanted to surprise the twins with my presence.  I'm sure they would be honored to be seen with me. Like I had told Lego, it would be a great privilege.  

We snuck quietly into the palace thingy and Legolas shut the door behind me.  "Follow me," he whispered.  We snuck down a long hallway and he led me to a bedroom.  He opened the big oak doors, looked cautiously inside, and then nodded.  I sighed.

"Legolas, isn't this a little uncecessary?"

"Shhh!  Go have a bath, then pick out a dress from that wardrobe.  I shall send a maid- oh!" He slammed the door shut, nearly taking off my head in the process.  After muttering a curse under my breath, I put my ear to the door and listened.

"Who was that you were talking to, Legolas?" I heard a familiar voice ask.  I bit back a joyful squeal.

"N-no one, Elrohir," Legolas answered a bit too quickly.  It was the first time I had ever heard an elf stutter like that. I put my hand over my mouth and danced around in utterly hyper bliss.

"Hmm.  Very well.  My brother and I were looking for you," the voice said again.  I put my back up to the wall and slid down to the floor, relishing every word.

"I apologize.  I was taking a walk in the woods."  

"I see.  Well, when you are done talking to no one, come talk to Elladan and I in the hall."  I heard the soft footsteps fade away.  

"He's gone," Legolas whispered through the door.  "Go on and get ready." I nodded, forgetting he couldn't see me, and went to the bathroom.  There was a small tub on clawed feet in the corner.  I turned the faucet on (A/N: From now on, Ithilien has indoor plumbing), and went back into the bedroom to get a dress.  I opened the doors to the chest-of-drawers.

Every single freaking dress was green.  I don't know why I was surprised.  However, on closer inspection, there were six or seven that were not.  I picked out a simple royal blue one, laid it out on the bed, then went to take my bath.

Just as I was getting out and wrapping the towel around me, I heard the door open.  I peeked round the corner and was relieved to see it was just the maid.  She saw me and smiled.  "Hello," she said in a sweet voice.

"Hey."  She immediately dissolved into giggles.  I looked at her strangely.  To say that I was weirded-out is an understatement.  

"…Okay?"

"Forgive me," she said, her voice full of mirth.  "Legolas told me that you spoke strangely."

"Oh he did, did he?" I said dryly.  She nodded, then cocked her head to the side.

"Are the two of you to be wed?" she asked, dead serious.  I was shocked.

"Wha? NOOOOnononononono!!" I said, shaking my head furiously.  "It's not like that, I SWEAR!"  Though, I couldn't help thinking that it wouldn't be that bad to be his wife.  In fact, I sort of wished that was the case.

"Oh, I see.  Are you hoping to become his bride?" she asked.  Obviously, I wasn't talking to the brightest crayon in the box.  I slapped my hand to my face, then looked at her.

"Yes.  I was _dying_ to be noticed by him, so I accidentally appeared in these woods, completely naked, hoping he would find me, and, low and behold, he did," I said, with a tad bit of sarcasm.

She grinned. "Imagine that!" I rolled my eyes.  "I am supposed to help you get ready."

_Does Legolas think I can't dress myself or something? _I thought.  But oh well.  I allowed her to help me.

Even if the girl wasn't too bright, she knew a lot about getting dressed and doing hair and makeup.  By the time she was done I looked completely different than I had an hour before.  I said a quick thanks and went out into the hall.

It was just at this point that I remembered: I have no idea where the hell I am going.  I turned around to see the maid standing right behind me with a dimwit smile spread across her face. 

"Would you like some help finding Prince Legolas?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure.  Thanks, uh..." Need the name, hunnybuns.

"Luthien."  How cliché.  Every elf and her cousin is named Luthien these days.

"Right.  Thanks Luthien.  Lead the way."  She walked past me and I followed her down the dark hallway.

Soon we came to a small arched doorway.  There was firelight coming from inside, and I heard voices.  I began to listen, but then realized that Luthien the Smart was still standing next to me.  

"Um, you can go now."

"Are you quite sure?" she asked.

"Well, unless you'd like to help me move my legs and walk into the room, then yes."  She stayed and offered her hand out.  I slapped my face again.  "It was a JOKE, Luthien…"

"Oh.  Oh, of course, hahaha!" she said with a very fake laugh.  I rolled my eyes as she walked away.  Then I listened some more.  All I could hear was the crackling of the fire.  Then I heard someone murmur:

"Legolas, are you well?" It was my Elrohir!  

"What? Oh, yes.  Yes, I am fine."

There was a pause.  Then a voice that differed very slightly from Elrohir's said, "You long for the sea."  It was not a question.  My blood ran cold.  I had just gotten here, and already Legolas was wanting to go to the Havens.

Well that just sucks.

There was another pause.  "Yes, I do," Legolas answered slowly, "but not as much as I did."  I could tell he was smiling.  I took this as my cue, and walked through the doorway.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Well?  WELL?? **_WELL???_**

Do ya like it!?! Lemme know!!

Be happy for me!  I got 'Roos today!  Like, the sneakers.  They are AWESOME.  Lime green with blue trim and white laces.  Aww yeah.  

Anybob, PLEASE REVIEW AND LEMME KNOW WHAT YA THINK!!!

Much lurve for the first time in this story,

**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	2. Did ya miss me?

Hiya kids!  *grins big cheesy teary smile* 26 reviews… in one chapter! *breaks down sobbing* YOU LOVE ME, YOU REALLY LOVE ME!!!! *starts big Oscar speech*

Legolas: Quiet you.  

*pout* Fine.  Anybob, thanks _so freaking much_ to all that reviewed.  You have no idea how much it means to me. :)

This chapter is dedicated to mah good friend **_Katie Beth_**.  She is so bummed 'cause she didn't make it into the school show choir (even though a bunch of losers that can't sing did).  Funny thing is, she is in a professional children's choir.  Huh.  This couldn't possibly be a popularity contest, could it? (note the sarcasm)  Anyways, KTB, just wanted to let ya know that you are such a great friend to me, and even if you couldn't hold a note for 4.923847 nanoseconds, I would still love ya. *hug*

Oh.  And methinks I forgot to put a whatsitcalled in my first chapter.  A disclaimer! Yeah, those!  Okay, so here we go.  *ahem*

**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own any of the hereforementioned (yay, new word!) LOTR characters.  All I have is a pen with a Canadian flag on it, a twist tie, a candy necklace, and a ½ ounce bag of pretzels that Rad gave me. *looks at pretzels* 

…Yay.

One last thing.  Sorry bout the long wait between updates.  FYI, it will probably take a LONG time between each chapter. I'm really busy with homework, riding Duke, and lacrosse practice (I'm the GOALIE!!!) So yeah. I apologize in advance.  Once the summer rolls around it'll be quicker, I promise.

…Maybe.  :D

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 2:

I took a deep breath and walked through the doorway.  I was in a small library sort of thing, with a large stone fireplace in the center of the back wall.  A huge fire was crackling in it merrily, and the silhouettes of three elves were against it.  

Once my eyes adjusted, I could nearly contain the squeal that was begging to break through my lips.  There was Elrohir, and Elladan, looking just as hot as ever.  I walked farther into the room, grinning like the moron that I am.

As I got closer, the twins both stood up to greet me.  Legolas, however, did not.  I just glared at him as the twins both bowed simultaneously.  One of them (I believe it was Elladan) looked over at Legolas.

"Are you not going to introduce us to the fair lady, Legolas?" he asked.  I nearly shrieked.  He called me _fair!_

"I believe the lady can introduce her own self," Legolas responded mischievously. I glared at him as the other twin came forward, bowed and kissed my hand.

"Allow me to introduce myself," he said, sounding quite studly.  "I am Elrohir, son of Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell.  And you, milady, look quite familiar.  Have we met?"

I glanced over at Legolas, who smiled and shrugged.  Then I looked back at Elrohir.  "Maybeh," I said mysteriously.  Before Elrohir could respond, his brother shoved him out of the way and bowed to me.  "And I am Elladan, that fool's brother," he said with a bright and flirty smile.  I started to laugh for no reason whatsoever.  The twins stared at me as Legolas rolled his eyes.

"She is so much like Laura," Elladan said quietly.  I managed to lower my laughing to a small giggle.

"She looks like her as well," Elrohir agreed.  Both of them stopped, looked at each other, then back at me.  

"By the Valar…"

"Hiya kids!" I said, doing one of those corny waves like they used to do on Barney.  Legolas came up behind the twins and put one arm around each of their shoulders.

"Elladan, Elrohir, I assume you remember Laura?" he said with a broad grin.  

"I sure as hell hope they remember me," I mumbled.  Before I really knew what was happening, I had two full-grown really hot elves embracing me.  Oooh, _un ménage a trois_, eh boys? Heh heh…

"Laura, it is so wonderful to see you again!" Elrohir said, pushing his brother aside to talk to me.  "Look at you! You are no longer a child!"

"Hey now, I never _was_ a child!" I protested.  Elrohir wave this comment aside and continued to admire me like one would admire an antique car.  "It amazes me that you have changed so much in such a short time."

"Well, you know what they say about the human race," Legolas said.  Elrohir laughed and nodded.  I narrowed my eyes.

"And what _do_ they say about the human race, Leggy dearest?" I asked.  

"Nothing," he replied with an innocent smile.  I glared at him again, then allowed Elladan to admire the new me.  Or, as Crystyna would have said, my new "hot mama with C cup bra" look.  

I sighed.  I missed my Tuna and my Lulu, and I _really_ missed Duke.  He had passed away about four years ago from colic.  

Elladan put his hand on my shoulder.  "Whatever is the matter, Laura?" he asked softly. 

"I miss my friends, and my horse," I answered sadly.  Elladan looked over at his brother and Legolas with a small smile, and if I'm not mistaken he winked at them.

"Well, there is nothing we can do about your friends," Elrohir said.  I looked over at him.  "But we _can_ do something about your horse."  I felt my jaw drop.

"You're kidding me…" 

"Come," he said, gesturing for me to follow.  But I didn't follow, I sprinted ahead.  The three elves started to jog after me, easily keeping up.  "Go to the left," one of them called.  I slowed down, slid a couple of feet, and ran down the hallway.  

Eventually I came to a large wooden door.  I threw it open, expecting another hall, but instead it opened up to the outdoors, and there was a several foot drop to the ground.  "Look out!" Legolas called.  Too late.  By the time I registered what he said, and the fact that I was outside, I was in midair and the ground was coming up to meet me.

"Shit," I muttered.  

FWAM.

I rolled a couple of feet and came to a halt, completely covered in dust.  I looked back at the doorway, only to see the three elves trying to hold themselves up, because they were about to collapse with laughter.  I glared at them as I got up to brush the dust off.

"Oh, bite me," I growled at them.

"Oh Valar, if I had any doubt it was Laura before, I do not now," Elrohir howled.  The other two burst out with even more laughter.

"Come _on_ you guys!  I want to see my horse!" I said, stomping my foot childishly.  They managed to cease their laughter long enough to walk over to me, grinning like the fools that they are.  But they are hot fools, so they can be forgiven (lucky for them).

Elladan let out one last chuckle, wiped the tear from his eye, then turned to me.  "Right.  Now all you have to do is whistle."  I stared at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Elladan, I have _never_ been able to whistle.  Remember that time I tried the _last_ time I was here?"

"Now that you mention it, I do. And you were not exactly good at it either.  So, instead of whistling, you-"

I sighed and rolled my eyes.  "Screw your method, Elfy."  He raised his eyebrows and smiled as I took a deep breath.

"**_DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!!!!!!_**"  All three of the elves covered their ears and winced.

"I suppose that works, too," Elladan muttered.  I smiled angelically, then watched for a horse to appear.

It wasn't long before I heard galloping hoofbeats and a familiar whinny.  I peered into the woods, and I saw a burst of chestnut brown emerge from the trees.  I screamed with joy as Duke cantered up and stopped inches from my face.  Immediately he started to nuzzle my neck and nicker with happiness.  I threw my arms around his neck as I started to cry for no reason.

Dude, this stay in Middle Earth was gonna KICK ASS.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I know, I know.  Short chapter.  However, it's you guys' fault.  YES, it is.  *nods decisively* Even though I _told_ you I didn't want to be bothered about updates, you did anyway.  So yes.  It is your fault. Pbbbbth. *blows raspberry*

Aww, c'mon, I'm not really mad at ya.  I know it took ages, and I should have posted sooner.  I've just been so busy lately that it slipped my mind.  So, please forgive me, and review.  Gracias, y adios! 

Lurve,  
**_~*!Laura!*~_**


	3. The Pointless Chapter About PJs

Here we go!!

"Milady, wake up, it is time for your morning meal."

"Maanmm…shut up…" I rolled over and covered my head with the comforter.

"Laura, awake.  Legolas requests your presence."

"Grrrrr…"

"Laura!"

"SHUDDUP, LUTHIEN!" I grabbed a pillow and swung it in the direction of the voice.

"Umph!" It connected with someone's face, obviously Luthien's.  "Ow!"  I sat up rubbed my eyes, scowling at her.

"That's what you get for waking me up," I grumbled.  She glared back, rubbing her nose.

"Then I shall never come to wake you again as long as you are here," she taunted.  I grinned angelically at her. 

"But I'm cute when I'm asleep."  She rolled her eyes, then started to lightly push my shoulder.

"Up, up, up, up!  Legolas requests that you dine with him."

"I'm up,  I'm up!" I grumbled as I swung my feet out of bed.  I gasped as they touched the floor; it was cold.  Luthien snorted, and I glared at her again. 

"Now, go get dressed and go downstairs to eat."  I cocked an eyebrow.

"I have to get dressed to eat?  Can't I just wear my pajamas?"

Luthien looked scandalized.  "Of course you cannot!  That is improper!  Then, after breakfast, you must change into your day clothes.  Then, you eat lunch, and afterwards get ready for dinner by changing into your dinner dress.  And then you must change to go to bed."

I gave her a disgusted look.  "That's retarded."

"I assume that means 'silly'.  Perhaps it is to a silly human like yourself, but it is the way of the elves, and it always has been.  So get yourself off of your lazy rear and get ready."  With that she turned and walked out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.  I rolled my eyes and heaved off of the most comfortable bed ever; stretched; groaned.  I walked over to the wardrobe, pulled out a bathrobe made of gray-blue silk, slipped on some shoes, and walked out the door.

I reached the dining hall (after a while, since I had no idea where the hell it was) and walked up to the end of the table, where Legolas was sitting with his back to me. 

"Good morning, sunshine!" I crowed.  Legolas turned around, smiled somewhat tiredly, then looked back in front of him.  Two seconds later he pulled a double-take and shouted, "What in the name of the Valar are you _wearing!?"_

"My PJ's," I said, stating the obvious. 

"You are practically naked! Go put some clothes on!"

"Listen, Legolas, I _was_ naked yesterday, and that didn't stop you from looking at me.  So, I shall sit down and eat with you, whether you like it or not."  I crossed my arms over my chest, and glared at him.  He rolled his eyes. 

"Stubborn little child."

"_I'm not a child!"_ I exclaimed, my eyes clenched.  The elf laughed and gestured towards the seat next to him.  "Sit down, you foolish human."

"Stubborn elf."

"Moronic fool."

"Womanly old fart."

"I am not old!"

"Yes, you are!  You're what, like, 3,000 years older than me!  That qualifies as old."  I sat down and laid my napkin across my lap.  Hey, I might be "half-naked", but that doesn't mean I'm a complete heathen. 

We sat and talked for a long while about our adventures during the War of the Ring, about what had been happening since then in Middle Earth, and how Lauren, Crystyna and I had faired when we got back to Earth.  We talked about the battle before Minas Tirith, and how he had felled the oliphaunt.  He enjoyed rubbing in the fact that he had killed nearly a hundred orcs and men, while I had only killed maybe four or five.  I stuck my nose in the air and pointed out that he had been worried about me when we were outside the Black Gate, and the orcs attacked.  Then he shut up.  I smirked triumphantly laughed. 

I heard footsteps behind us and turned around to see the twins coming in.  They both smiled, then their smiles turned to frowns when they saw I was still wearing my robe.  I rolled my eyes and gave them an exasperated sigh.

"Just sit down and don't say a word about what I am wearing," I said, putting a forkful of food into my mouth.  They both chuckled and sat down across from me, and we all continued our conversation.  It was fun to be back with the people that I enjoyed being around more than anyone else.

Later that night, after I had changed into my "day clothes", then into my "dinner dress", and I had had dinner, I walked outside for a breath of fresh air.  I walked into the courtyards and up a small set of stairs.  Soon I was on top of the wall surrounding Legolas' home.  I looked up at the stars and smiled at the deep blue sky.  It had always been so pretty.

Just as I was about to go back inside, a small movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention.  I turned and saw a male elf standing at the corner of the battlements, or whatever that part of the wall is called.  I quietly walked up behind him.  I reached out to tap him on the shoulder, but before I could, he whirled around, grabbed my wrist, and had a knife pulled.

"Sweet freaking Jesus!" I gasped. 

"Laura!" Legolas growled angrily.  "Why did you sneak up on me?"  I didn't say anything, but I just looked at him.  I knew what he had been doing up there. 

"Why do you long for the sea when your people are right here around you?" I said, surprising myself with the elf-ness of my voice.  He closed his eyes and looked out towards the woods again without responding.  "You can't leave now. I've just gotten here," I said, trying to be a bit humorous.  He looked at me and smiled. 

"I'm sorry.  It is just the way of the elves, I suppose.  Do not worry.  I won't be leaving any time soon."  He put his hand on my shoulder and gestured with his head back towards the castle.  "Come along.  They will be wondering what we are doing."  I smacked him on the shoulder.

"Dirty elf!"  I said, admonishing him.  He shrugged and grinned. 

"It is what most elves will think," he muttered.  I gazed at him, astonished.

"Well, screw the idea of elves being pure," I murmured.

"Are you saying elves are not what they are told to be?"

"Duh."

"We are better than what we are told to be!"

"And you're a lot more egotistical than I would have thought."

"I resent that!"

"Good for you.  Too bad its true.  Wow, how was _that _for assonance?"

"I am _not_ egotistical.  Elves are just superior to humans.  And what is assonance?"

"Elves are stuck-up snobs.  And assonance is repetition of vowel sounds."

"I am not stuck-up, nor am I a snob.  And I have never heard of assonance."

"I'm not even going to bother arguing with you.  And the reason you have never heard of assonance is because humans invented the word.  Elves are too busy doing elfy- stuff, like playing with bows and arrows, while humans are out doing smart stuff, like writing poetry and the like."

"Hmph. Indeed."

"Yeah. Indeed."  He sighed as one who sighs at an annoying toddler.

"Why don't you go to bed, and you can annoy me further tomorrow?"  I glared at him.

"Fine.  BE that way." I tossed my braid and walked away snootily. 

"Good night, princess," he said mockingly.

"Sweet dreams, airhead."

The next day started out much like the first.  I was woken up by Luthien, I hit her with a pillow, I got up, and went downstairs in my pajamas.  Only this time Luthien saw me, and she nearly bit off my head.  But I still managed to go to breakfast and still wear my jim-jams.  Hey, I was pretty excited.  Not every girl in Ithilien gets to wear him PJs to breakfast.

Later that afternoon, when I had clothed myself in my "day clothes", which included some riding pants and a shirt (which Luthien also objected to, saying that they were "men's clothes"), I went outside to take a ride with the twins.  They were mounted on white horses which were shorter than Duke, so that my head was about level with theirs, for once in my life.

We rode through the woods, talking about the last part of the quest; how we three girls had been kidnapped, and how the elves had saved us, then how I had blamed Elladan for getting Duke hurt.

"Yeah, sorry about that whole thing where I smacked you, Elladan," I muttered, blushing red.  The twins laughed. 

"It is all right.  You were young and upset," Elladan said kindly.

"And a tad PMSy," I added under my breath.

"PMS?" Elrohir asked, curious.

"Nevermind.  Say, when are we going to see Aragorn and his family?"

"We were speaking with Legolas about that this morning.  He wishes to leave the day after tomorrow.  We will reach Minas Tirith within two weeks, if the weather holds out, and we are not attacked."

"What do you mean?"

"There are still a few bands of orcs abroad in Middle Earth," Elrohir answered.  I brushed my bangs out of my eyes nervously.

"Fantastic.  Can't wait to leave," I said dryly.

They smiled kindly at me.  "Don't worry.  You will be escorted by us."

"Oh, and Legolas," Elladan added.  I snickered.

"And some other elves," Elrohir noted.  I rolled my eyes.

"So I will have a whole caravan, eh?"

"Indeed."

Huh.  So I was traveling for two weeks with a whole group of really good-looking male elves to a place that I couldn't wait to re-visit. 

This wouldn't be so bad.

Heh heh.

spreads arms out wide TADA!!!

Yeah, it was forever ago since I updated.  Over a month.  But guess what?

I'M WATCHING "RETURN OF THE KING" RIGHT NOW AS I SPEAK—er, TYPE!!!

And Legolas just killed the oliphaunt. pumps fist in the air  Yeah buddy!!

I'm sorry this chapter sucked so much. :( I just couldn't put off updating any longer, but I had no ideas.  But now I have some, so all is well!

Right.  So now you will go review and be good people.  Cheers, my darlings!

Luv n hugs,

**_!Laura!_**


	4. Off we go down the road to Minas Tirith

Ah, I do so love those fill-in chapters.  They are a great God-send, huh?  Anyway, thanks to all for the reviews!  On we go with the next chapter! (BTW, I'm watching "ROTK"…again. grins)

"I cannot believe this…"

"Look, I said I was sorry…"

"But this is completely unreasonable, Laura!"

"I didn't mean to!"

"That doesn't matter.  What matters is the fact that you did…or didn't, rather."

"But-but..."

Legolas was on my case.  Again.

"I cannot believe you didn't continue to practice your archery."  I rolled my eyes.

"Well, Legolas, I was sort of busy… you know… GROWING UP."

"You certainly must have had time to do at least a bit of practicing."  This elf has obviously never been a high school student in the real world.

"I wanna see you go to lacrosse practice every day, do your homework, go to your job, and still have time to practice something that isn't even relevant in my world.  And after graduation, go to classes every day, do mountains of studying, and then try to stay awake in class with a hangover!"

"That is beside the point.  You need to brush up on your skills…"

-What skills?-

"…before we travel to Minas Tirith."

"Uh huh.  Well, who is going to pack for me if I do that?"

"I will get Luthien to do so."  I wrinkled my nose.

"But… she'll pack lots of flowery, puffy dresses!" I complained.

"Yes…"

"How the _hell_ am I supposed to ride a horse all the way to Minas Tirith in a _dress?_" 

"I will have her pack some pants and tunics, too…"

"Damn right you will, Elf-boy.  I will not look like a little girly-girl all the way there."

"Of course not," he said absently.  "Now, come along, let's go practice."

"Whyyy?"

Legolas' temper seemed to have grown shorter during the past six years.  "Fine!  Go find Elladan or Elrohir and have them teach you!"  Then he stomped off in a very graceful way (well, as graceful as one can be when one is stomping). 

Suddenly archery lessons sounded very fun.

"Right.  Now you just put your hand right here.  Grip it tigh- no, Laura, don't move your hand.  Yes, right there- no, Laura.  Yes, there."

Elrohir was attempting to reteach me archery.  Somehow, I was finding it hard to concentrate.  I don't know _why…_

"Very well.  Now, just do as I do."  He put the bow out in front of him, put an arrow on the string, then held it upright and pulled back the string.

"Whoa," I said intelligently.  His muscles were quite obvious under his thin tunic. 

"Yes, I know it looks difficult, but you have done it before.  I believe you can do it again."  He graced me with one of his gorgeous smiles, and I grinned back. "Now, do as I did."

"Er…right."  I put the arrow on the string and put it upright. 

"Exactly!" the elf said brightly.  "Now, pull it back."  I did so.  "Perfect, Laura.  You have not forgotten completely the rules of archery."  I smirked inwardly.  Mwahaha. "When I say, let the arrow go.  Aim for that sapling over there."  I looked at the sapling.  It couldn't have been more than three inches wide.

"Ahaha.  Good one, Elrohir.  There is no way I will hit that."

"It is an easy target," he said nonchalantly.

"Maybe you have forgotten, dear, that I'm not an elf like you."  He looked down at me, one perfect eyebrow raised. 

"Indeed, I must have," he replied playfully.  I narrowed my eyes.  "Very well, aim for that large oak over there."  I looked down the shaft of the arrow.  "Ready… fire!"  I let go of it, and watched as it…flopped listlessly in the grass.  I looked up as the elf started to laugh. 

"Shut up," I growled, picking up the arrow and wishing I could stick it in his butt for revenge.  Archery lessons were not fun anymore.

Early the next morning, Luthien woke me up (although this time I didn't hit her with anything).  I put on the rather fancy tunic and leggings she had laid out for me.  Then I allowed her to braid my hair, which was painful.  I did a lot of whining and shrieking, and she did a lot of scolding and mumbling.  After having my scalp half pulled out, I had a quick breakfast of some sort of lembas-type thing.  Then I was dragged out into the courtyard, where Duke was standing, saddled and everything.  He even had a lovely face shield on, which was made of a silver metal, with an_ elanor_ flower engraved on it and stars surrounding it.  It had matching leg shields as well. I beamed.  It was very elfy-looking.  Luthien handed me a gorgeous, silvery blue cloak which had flowers and vines embroidered in silver thread on the seams and around the edge of the hood.  It came all the way to the ground, and even then trailed a bit behind.  It was obviously made for someone taller than me.  I grinned and hugged her.  She looked shocked, then sort of gently patted my back. 

"So, you approve of the things we have gotten for Duke?" I heard a voice say.  I turned around and saw Legolas, holding the reins of his own horse, which was white.  I smiled and nodded at him.

"It's all very pretty, but is it really necessary?"

"It might," he answered.  "As I told you before, there are still stray bands of orcs running throughout Middle Earth.  There are at least two that we know of in and around Ithilien."

"Well, that's very comforting," I grumbled.  He chuckled. 

"Don't worry.  There is very little chance that we shall come across any orcs."

"He's lying," someone whispered in my ear.  I trembled and saw Elladan smirking at me.

"Oh, stop, Elladan.  Don't scare her," Legolas said, glaring at him.  Elrohir came up behind his brother and put his arm around him.

"We are not lying," he said, winking at me.  I frowned and glanced at Legolas, who was giving them the "Shut up, she can't know that" look.  He looked at me and gave me a weak smile.

"Go on, get on Duke," he said.  I swung up onto Duke's back.  My horse whinnied happily and tossed his mane.  I smiled down at the three elves, who were giving me worried looks.

"Come on, guys!  You're elves, they're big, smelly orcs.  Plus, Sauron is gone.  There's  nothing that can stop you!"  They all smiled and mounted their horses. 

There were five other elves going with us; nine all together.  Everyone was carrying their own load on their horses.  All the other elves that lived in Ithilien came out to the courtyard and stood about solemnly.  The male elves bowed to me (which I thoroughly enjoyed ). The women were looking mournfully at the men, particularly Legolas and the twins (who were obviously the hottest).   Several of the braver (and tartier) ones handed them small favors, such as handkerchiefs, flowers, or brooches.  I rolled my eyes and kicked Duke.  He trotted towards one who was batting her lashes flirtatiously at Elrohir, nearly running her over.  She squealed and hopped out of the way just in time, glaring at me and muttering something in Elvish.  I heard several of the male elves chuckle, and I smirked, tossing my braid proudly.

"Let us be off," Legolas said.  He kicked his horse gently and cantered out under the archway of the courtyard; the rest of us followed.  The sounds of Elvish farewells slowly faded away in the mist.  Ooh, that was poetic.  I snorted as Elrohir rolled his eyes and tossed the handkerchiefs he had been given on the ground.  "Such a ridiculous tradition," he muttered.

For several hours we cantered through the tall trees of Ithilien.  Then we slowed to a trot, and finally to a walk.  I turned and made conversation with one of the elves next to me.  He was very friendly, though slightly boring.  He was quite determined to keep calling me "milady" and all that crap.  And all he wanted to talk about was horses, and Elvish songs, old tales.  Blah, blah, blah.  Eventually I just zoned out, and every time I heard "milady" I said "Uh-huh." 

When the sun went down, we stopped and made camp.  The elves all made up a fire, and we all sat around it.  They told stories of battles, sang (though, fortunately, not the one from "The Hobbit"), and recited poetry.  Then we all did the dishes, brushed our teeth, and went to bed, minus the brushing of teeth and doing of dishes.  I smiled up at the stars and thought of the last time I had been to Middle-earth.  But then I thought of Lauren and Crystyna, and I got all sad.  Although Crystyna had believed we had gone there, Lauren was convinced that somehow we had been brainwashed.  Her over-protective parents had taken her to therapy, which made her truly brainwashed. 

By now I couldn't sleep.  I was too upset about losing my friends, family, and boyfriend.  I stood up and quietly snuck out of the camp.  So I walked through the woods, crying quietly.  I came upon a clearing full of beautiful white flowers: _elanor_.  I picked one and fingered it gently.  It was so delicate, and pretty.  Yeah.  It was pretty. 

I heard something scuffling around in the brush, and turned around.  I peered in, and came face to face with the ugliest pair of eyes I had ever seen.  The thing growled.  I backed away slowly, then turned and ran, screaming my lungs out.  The eyes disappeared, yelling as well.

"_ORCS!!!!_" I screeched as I stumbled into the camp.  "There are orcs out there!"  All of the elves jumped up and grabbed their bows, swords, and knives.

"I will scold you later for leaving the camp," Legolas growled.  "Get your bow!" 

I ran along behind all the elves, panting.  I was terrified.  You'd think after being in several battles with more than ten thousand orcs, I would be so scared, but I was.  Before I could scamper along and dodge past them, since I was so short.  But now I was quite noticeable, and I couldn't hide.  I gulped as shadowy forms appeared in the darkness. 

"Laura, climb that tree!" Elladan yelled, pointing to a tall pine.  I sprinted towards it and flung myself into the branches, quickly pulling my body up about fifteen feet.  From there I observed the elves and orcs going at it.  We were outnumbered about twenty-five to nine.  Well, this sucked.  I watched as an orc crept up behind an elf, raising its sword.

"LOOK OUT!" I screamed.  I quickly put an arrow to the string and let it fly.  It sort of missed, and hit the orc in the shin.  But it was enough time for the elf to defend himself and stab it in the gut.  However, then I was noticed. 

"There's one in the tree!" an orc shouted, shooting an arrow at me.  I screeched and ducked, falling off the branch and onto the ground.

"Shit!" I gasped, as an orc ran at me with a spear raised.  I screamed and kicked it in the leg.  It growled and grabbed my neck, actually lifting me off the ground.  It made a roaring noise, and everyone stopped and stared.  The elves aimed their arrows at the orc, which smirked.

"If you shoot me, they'll kill her," it snarled, nodding towards the other orcs who had their weapons pointed at my chest.  I gulped and looked at Legolas with wide eyes.  He hesitated, and lowered his bow.  Then he shrugged.

"Take her.  We care not.  She is but a prisoner.  She is more of a burden than a prize," he said nonchalantly.  My jaw practically hit the ground.  The orcs muttered amongst themselves, then they turned around and started to jog into the heart of the woods.  The one holding me grabbed my arm and dragged me along with them. 

As we started to loose sight of the elves, I screamed. 

"I HATE YOU!! BURN IN HELL, LEGOLAS!!!!"

Gasp!  Captured by orcs?  Well, this is déjà vu!  What will happen next?  Will Laura get to Minas Tirith safely?  Will the elves just forget about her and go back to Ithilien?  Find out by reviewing!

Hope y'all enjoyed the chapter!!

Lurve,

**_!Laura!_**


	5. The NEXT Chapter!

Howdy y'all! Well, I'm sitting here at my lovely little blue laptop, listening to music and writing for my very favorite story. However, the internet is being a bit stupid, so I cannot currently respond to reviews. If I can get it to work (and if I remember), I shall do so at the end of the chapter.

Also, the reason I haven't been updating "The Non-Perfect Elf and the Hole-Hating Hobbit" is because…well, I'm just completely brain dead on it. Got ideas? Let me know in your review or by e-mailing me. Thanks!

Enjoy the chapter!

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Now, where was I? Oh yes. I had just gotten captured by orcs, because Legolas said that I was a prisoner of some sort. Then they dragged me away, and I screamed at the nasty mean elf. And that's about it.

We traveled constantly for the whole night, not stopping for anything. The orc that had been holding on to me got too frustrated with my squirming and escape attempts, so it tied a rope around my neck and bound my hands. Then we continued to jog through the woods.

Finally, just as the sun was appearing and the sky turned lavender and pink, the orcs stopped and made a fire. The one who was guarding me tied me to a tree and left me there. I glared at anyone who dared look at me. By that time I was so exhausted, but I didn't want to risk the chance of sleeping. Every time I felt myself start to drift off, I would remember what Legolas had said, and it pissed me off so much I stayed awake.

"What's wrong, little girl? Afraid we'll hurt you if you go to sleep?" one of the orcs by the fire cackled. I narrowed my eyes and spit in his direction. He did not like this, apparently. He growled and stomped over to me, then smacked me across the face.

"Little wench," he snarled. "Whore." He then spit on _me_ and walked back to his seat. I wiped the saliva off of my cheek with my shoulder and glared at him.

"By taking me farther and farther from my land, you are just increasing your danger," I said mysteriously. "My people will come for me."

"Your people, eh? What, you mean those prancy elves?" All of the orcs cackled. I tossed my hair (most of which had come out of its braid by then).

"I am no elf. I am a maiden of… er… Gondor. In fact, I am a noble woman, practically a queen, and you shall face the wrath of my army. For I, Laura, am a Guard of the White City." I said this dramatically, trying to induce fear. It didn't work very well.

The orc that had spat on me snorted. "Aye, the White City will not send out an army for one measly wench such as yourself."

"Asshole," I grumbled. The orcs went back to eating their rotten meats and drinking their dirty water, laughing and jeering at what I had said. True, it was a load of crap, but I think I said it quite convincingly, don't you?

Don't you dare answer that.

The rest I took was short-lived, however. By the time the sun was fully in the sky we were on our way again. Once again I was walked (well, jogged) like a dog through the forest. And boy, was I pissed. I just had to find a way to make them let me go, which would actually more likely lead them to killing me. But hey, it was worth a shot. The elves obviously weren't coming to get me. I resorted to techniques I had not used since middle school, when my parents threatened to leave me home during roadtrips.

"I'm tired. My feet hurt. Can I have something to drink? I'm hungry. Are we there yet? When are we gonna stop? I want some ice cream, will you get me some ice cream? Can I drive? If we go to a restaurant, can I get chicken fingers? Are we there yet?"

The leader of the band of orcs stopped, told everyone to halt, and slowly walked towards me, drawing a knife. I gulped loudly. He lashed out and grabbed my hair. You know those thin, sensitive hairs on the sides of your head, level with your eyebrows? He grabbed that. And it hurt. I screeched as he tugged on it, and again when he put the knife to my throat.

"Wench!" he snarled. Wow, looks like I have a new nickname. "If you make one more sound I'll cut your throat and feed you to them." He looked over at the other orcs, who looked like they would enjoy that a lot. Then, for good measure, he tugged harshly on my hair. He pulled so hard, in fact, that he actually ripped it out. I screamed bloody murder as I felt the warm stickyness of my own blood run down my cheek and onto my chin. The leader walked away, growling for the orcs to get moving. I reached up and touched the side of my head, and gasped when I felt that a chunk of my scalp was missing. As the group of orcs started to move again I nearly cried. But I couldn't let them see my weakness, so instead I just cursed at them in every language I knew. Then I started thinking about how if I ever managed to escape, I would hunt Legolas down and maul him.

Early in the afternoon we stopped again. The orcs were complaining that they "had been running for three days straight." I didn't complain: the stop would be welcome. Once again they tied me to a tree (although this time I was standing up as apposed to sitting) and made a fire. It was the same routine as before.

I looked down as my stomach growled loudly and obnoxiously. "Um. Can I have some food?" I asked meekly. The orcs laughed. One of them winked, made a kissy face, then threw a chunk of bread in my direction. It landed four feet away.

_My GOD, you have GOT to be kidding me? Did he just wink at me!? Ugh!_ I narrowed my eyes and sniffed.

"What, isn't our food good enough for ye?" the orc cackled. I shrugged.

"C'mon, guys. Can't we all just be friends? I mean, I haven't done anything to _you_. Let's just say we put this whole business behind us and start over. Hell, I'll even help you with killing stuff once in a while," I said.

"A tart like you killing something? Ha!" They laughed again. I had become the unofficial scapegoat. I sighed and looked longingly at the bread, even though it had weevils in it. What I wouldn't give to have a big pepperoni pizza right then.

"I'm so hungry," I moaned. An orc stood up, came over, and forcibly opened my mouth, stuffing a piece of bread in it.

"That'll shut ye up!" he crowed. All his buddies laughed. I chewed on the bread, relishing it despite the slight earwax-y taste and crunchiness from the bugs. I sighed happily. But my stomach did not agree. Not ten seconds after I swallowed, up it came. The orcs howled with barkish laughter. I wrinkled my nose.

"Thanks. Thanks a lot, you guys."

Suddenly a whistling noise split the air, and the orc captain screeched as an arrow passed through his friend's neck. "Elves!" he snarled. I started to yell and scream for help as shadowy forms dashed around in the branches of the trees overhead. A passing orc smacked me upside the head just before getting a dagger stuck in his back.

"Owww," I groaned. He had hit me right where the other orc had pulled out my hair. "God daaaamn…"

"Laura, stay calm!" I heard someone shout.

"Well, I wasn't exactly panicking, was I?" I grumbled. Soon, what was left of the orcs started scattering. Three people walked towards me, one kneeled down by my side.

"Laura, are you all right?" Elrohir asked, taking out his knife. Without warning, he cut the ropes, and I fell unceremoniously face-first into the dirt.

"Yeah, I'm just peachy." Legolas helped me up. Then all of my pent-up emotions came out. Immediately I threw myself at him and started sobbing. "It was horrible!" I wailed. "They starved me and mocked me and did mean and nasty things!" Legolas made hushing noises and stroking my hair.

"It's all right," he said in a soothing voice. I stopped sniffling and looked up at his face. He smiled down at me, looking just absolutely beautiful. I started to get a strange sensation in my chest. I had a longing that I had kept inside and wanted to let out several times since I had first encountered him, even when I had still been a teenager. And now was the perfect opportunity to show him how I felt.

Looking into his eyes, I slowly crept my hands away from his waist and up to his shoulders. He raised his eyebrows in astonishment, but made no move to stop me. I took a sideways glance at the twins. Did I just detect a jealous glare at the Prince of Mirkwood from Elrond's Son No.1 (aka Elrohir)? Oh, yes I did.

I locked eyes with Legolas again. By now my hands were on either side of his face. _He has really nice skin_, I thought stupidly. _Hell, he has really nice everything. Boy, did that sound wrong…_ I pulled his face down closer to mine, closing my eyes.

"Legolas…" I breathed quietly. I opened one eye slightly and saw that he had closed his eyes as well….

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs, shaking his face angrily and pushing him away. "I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, YOU DUMB SHIT!!!!!" The most unfortunate elf stumbled back, looking like he might suffer from heart failure any second. The twins were holding each other up, hysterically laughing. I was giving Legolas my worst death glare. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, ELF!?!!" I bellowed. I beat my fists on his chest, screaming at him in German. The twins had to both grab one of my arms and pull me back. Just then the elves that had chased away the orcs came back. They seemed quite shocked to see a young woman screaming and threatening to kill their prince.

"Where the hell is my horse?" I yelled to the nearest one. He shot me a terrified glance and ran into the woods. "Damn right you better run, you nancing elf fag!" The twins were still laughing madly. I turned on them.

"Don't you dare think you two are off my shit list!" I growled. They both stopped and took a step back. "You didn't even try to stop Legolas from giving me to the orcs. IT'S LIKE YOU _WANTED_ ME TO GET RAPED, YOU IDIOTS!!" The elf that had run away reappeared, Duke in tow. I stomped over to my horse and swung into the saddle.

"Laura, what _happened_ to your head?!" Elladan called, pointing to the side of my face.

"Well, Elladan dear, those lovely orc friends of mine decided to RIP HALF MY SCALP OFF!!!" I screeched. He shut up and mounted his own horse.

Never, ever piss me off every twenty-eight days.

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Ugh, I _know, _such a short chapter! I'm sorry! (hides from Crystyna's wrath) I KNOW I said that you'd be here, but I had to update because my dad was telling me that I HAD to get off the computer or I'd be grounded for two weeks! And then I promised that I would update!! I'M SORRRY!!! (throws self on the ground at the mercy of the reviewers) DON'T HURT ME!!!

(runs away terrified)

**_!Laura!_**

P.S. I want an honest show of hands: how many of you thought I was gonna kiss him? C'mon, you know you were fooled!!! ;D Bwahahaha...


	6. Battle of the Sexes: Middle Earth Style

Howdy doo, everyone! Well, here is the chapter! Special thanks go to Tuna for helping me A LOT with it. Half of these ideas are hers. Love ya, hun!

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"Laura?"

"Mmph."

"Laura…"

"Pfgh."

"Laura, stop ignoring us!" Legolas yelled exasperatedly.

We were currently riding through wide-open plains between the White Mountains and the city of Minas Tirith. It had taken two full days of hard cantering to get as far as we had from the foothills. For the last four days I had been ignoring everyone, minus Haldamir, the boring elf I had talked to at the beginning of the trip. Haldamir seemed to be getting quite tired of me as well. But that was his problem.

Later that evening we stopped at the top of a small hill to rest for the night. Elladan built a fire, which everyone sat around. I, on the other hand, sat pouting on the edge of the small camp, hugging my knees and glaring at the elves.

"Oh, stop acting so childish and come have something to eat," Legolas said boredly. "You cannot ignore us forever."

"Wanna bet?" I mumbled under my breath. But I gratefully took the piece of lembas he offered to me. I ate it, then curled up in my blanket and frowned.

"Do you realize how completely _horrible_ it was to be captured by orcs?" I growled angrily. The elves all turned to look at me with their eyebrows raised.

"I'm sure it was not a pleasant experience, Laura," Elladan said sympathetically. I ignored him and continued ranting on.

"Plus, I haven't bathed in _days!_ I smell like a horse's butt!" Duke gave an angry snort from somewhere nearby. "I'm positively sick of eating lembas, too! And, I'm going to have to cut my hair to cover up this bald spot!" I pointed angrily at my scalp. There wasn't that much damage, really, just a little bit, but the orc had pulled so hard that it bled terribly. And it hurt like a mo. Fortunately, Haldamir had put some sort of ointment on it to make it heal more quickly.

"Well, there is really nothing we can do about the lembas-" Legolas began. I interrupted him again.

"I'm not done, elf boy. You all could have come to my rescue sooner! God, you made me stay with them for, what, two days? It was pure _hell! _ And I'm still pissed with you, Legolas, so don't you dare try to be all cute." With that final word I laid back down and rolled over so my back was to them.

"Laura." Legolas had a sort of whiney tone of voice that I had never heard before. Excellent. "Laura, listen to me! I am sorry, but…" I pretended to snore. He made a growling noise. "Laura, will at least hear me out?" I didn't answer. Two seconds later I felt something heavy hit my back. I sat up and glared.

"Ow! What the hell?" A small rock came flying at me, and I put my arms up just in time to prevent it from hitting my face. I frowned at Legolas, who glared right back.

"What is your _problem!?_" I screeched. "God, you stupid elf! Are you trying to _blind_ me!?" He casually tossed a stone in the air and caught it. I hunkered back down under the blanket and felt a stone hit my back again a couple seconds later. I growled and covered my head with the hood on my cloak. "Asshole," I muttered. Slowly I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

For a few minutes there was a pleasant silence, except for the crackling of the fire. Then Legolas spoke.

"Elladan, Elrohir, did I ever tell you what condition Laura was in when I found her?" My eyes popped open. _Oh my god, he'd better be talking about my hair…_

"…No? How do you mean?"

"What I mean is that she was stark nake-"

"_LEGOLAS!!!" _I screamed, causing them all to jump. The twins were both laughing hysterically. Most of the other elves were either blushing or looking quite scared. "I will KILL YOU!"

Legolas shrugged. "I'm just stating a fact that it was… interesting finding wearing naught but your skin out in the middle of the woods. It makes one wonder what you were doing out there…" He winked at the twins, who were trying to prevent themselves from falling off the rocks they were sitting on.

My jaw dropped. I quickly snapped it shut and looked at him casually. "Actually, I was out there making the best love ever with a handsome stranger who came across me only moments before." Legolas stared. "However, he was not an elf, because…well, I doubt elves have great sex anyway." All of them looked cross, but the dear son of Thranduil looked shocked.

"I…you…he? WHAT!?" he shouted. I smirked and laid back down.

"He was quite… vigorous…" I said as an afterthought. "Very… energetic, if you get my meaning." Legolas was just sitting there uttering unintelligent syllables. "He had a very large pe-"

"Be quiet!" Legolas groaned. "I shall be scarred for life…"

"It was like he had an endless source of energy… we were at it for hours." I relished the sight of Legolas' already pale face turning chalk white. "I was quite surprised I could walk after that."

"W-well…" he stuttered defiantly, "you didn't look that tired to me." I stood up and stretched luxuriously.

"Legolas, darling, you will never be lucky to know the amount of endurance I have," I said airily, a big satisfied grin plastered on my face.

"Perhaps you have forgotten, Laura, that last we met you were smitten with me," Legolas shot back. I shrugged.

"I've moved on to bigger and better se-, I mean things. Men are _so_ much more fulfilling. Besides, elves are pansies, especially elf princelings." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I stopped. I was happy to see that Legolas was pissed, but so were the twins. After all, they _were_ the sons of Elrond. _Crapola._

"Of course, I have heard that the elves of Rivendell are much more feisty," I said with a wink in their direction. I was feeling oddly… slutty at the moment. The twins' honor was restored and they smirked at Legolas simultaneously. Legolas narrowed his eyes at them, then turned back to me. The other elves were watching with avid interest.

"Face it, Legolas. You're jealous. You know you want me."

"Laura, if I wanted you, I could have you without the least bit of resistance on your part." I stalked over and glared at him.

"Is that so?" I said icily. He stood up.

"Yes, it is." He scowled at me. We were nose to nose- well, nose to chin, because he was taller than me.

"Try me, pansy boy."

"Is that a _threat_?" he hissed.

"I suppose it is," I retorted. Suddenly his expression went from cold and hard to warm and lustful.

"Laura…forgive me for all that I have said. It was very dishonorable of me." He took my hand and kissed it. I stared at him, dazed. "I was foolish and rude. Will you accept my apologies?" He took his hand and tilted my chin upward, his face mere centimeters from mine. My eyes got wide and my knees became weak.

"…Whoa."

He smirked. "I knew it." He turned and sat back down on the ground.

"Wait… what!? You cheated!" I argued half-heartedly. "It still doesn't mean you're good in bed, y'know!" He just smiled sneakily up at me and turned to everyone and started to speak in Elvish. They all burst out laughing. I groaned angrily and stomped back to my little nest. I laid down for the fourth time and covered my head.

_Losing a bet… to Legolas!_

_How embarrassing._

:::

I did not speak to Legolas all the way to Minas Tirith. I was way too pissed at him for winning me over the other night. Instead, I kept Duke as far away from him as possible and rode in between Elladan and Elrohir, who would throw each other mischievous glances once in a while. I spent the whole time with a sneaky smile on my face.

Finally, after nearly two weeks of traveling, we arrived at Minas Tirith. It was a horrible, overcast, rainy day. Minutes after the shower had started, I was soaked to the skin and shivering, even with my elven cloak. But it was worth it to see the White City again. It was a beautiful place.

As we approached the gate, a guard on top of the battlements yelled, "Open the doors!" The heavy wooden gates swung open and we trotted through, in lines of three. I, of course, was in the first line, being the important VIP, and the twins were on either side. As soon as we were inside the guards closed the doors again, and one walked up to Elladan.

"Greetings, visitors," he said, sounding interested. "What business do elves have in the White City?"

"We are here to see King Elessar. The lady is a friend." Elladan gestured to me. The guard looked up in surprise.

"My lady," he said with a sweeping bow. I blushed, then threw an evil smirk over my shoulder at Legolas, who narrowed his eyes at me from under his hood.

"Also," he said, speaking for the first time, "tell him that Legolas, son of Thranduil of Greenwood is present." The guard nodded and turned to a messenger boy, who then sprinted away to deliver the news.

"You may continue on your way, my lords. Milady," he said once again, bowing. He stepped aside and let us pass. The twins kicked their horses into a smart trot, and I followed suit. However, things would not go as planned.

As soon as we reached the bustling business part of the city, Duke went berserk. He had never been in such a busy place before. You'd think that after going through several battles, he would be fine. Well, you thought wrong. Duke is just like that: unpredictable. He bucked and reared up, nearly crushing a toddler. I screamed and reined him the other way just in time. Finally Duke got to be such a handful that we had to start cantering, which sounds dangerous. It was. But it was less dangerous than him bucking and shying away from everything. Apparently he didn't like people brushing up against his sides.

As we cantered down the streets, people would move to the side and watch us pass with interest. By this time the rain had stopped and the elves took off their hoods, but I wanted to go for the mysterious look, so I left mine on.

Finally, after ten minutes of riding up to the top of the city, we arrived at the courtyard in front "his great halls," "his" being Arago- oh, my bad. I mean _King Elessar's_ halls. We dismounted, and some younger men took the horses away. I grinned and batted my lashes at one of them, who was particularly good looking. He blushed and smiled boldly. Legolas came up on my left side and rolled his eyes.

"Stop acting like a child and come along." He offered out his arm. I raised an eyebrow.

"Um…no?" I said, glancing at his arm. He rolled his eyes.

"A lady that enters the halls is to have an escort," he growled under his breath.

"Can I have Elrohir instead?"

"No. Come." He forcefully took my hand and placed it in the crook of his arm. I sighed disgustedly and allowed him to lead me up the stairs. Two young men opened the doors and bowed us through.

As we walked down the long hall towards the throne, I got goose bumps. It was so big and pretty and… shiny. Yes, it was shiny. The floor was particularly reflective. Anyway.

"Bow your head," Legolas hissed out of the corner of his mouth. I rolled my eyes and looked at the floor, feeling like a prat.

"This is stupid," I muttered back. He tugged on my arm sternly, silently telling me to shut up. I looked up as the man who had been sitting on the throne stood up and walked towards us.

"Legolas, my old friend!" he said. I looked up and jumped. This was Aragorn? _My GOD, he got OLD!_ His hair and beard had streaks of gray, although it wasn't dust because he had taken a shower (for once in his life). He was wearing a thin circlet of gold, and long, wine-colored robes. He and Legolas were currently talking in Elvish rapidly and quietly, having just exchanged an Elvish greeting.

"Forgive me, I have forgotten my manners," Aragorn said suddenly. I was surprised; he didn't seem to have changed much since I last met him. Well his personality hadn't changed. His physical changes… now that was another story… "Who is this maiden? Your wife, perhaps?" he questioned, grinning playfully at Legolas. The elf and I shared identical looks of disgust.

"Ugh," I said out loud. Aragorn raised his eyebrows.

"So, it is not your wife…" he said, trailing off and glancing at Legolas questioningly. Legolas rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Uh, well, no, she is not. But she is an old friend of ours…"

"I was until you tried to seduce me, you bag of hot air," I growled. Aragorn furrowed his brows, which then shot up quickly as he opened his mouth in surprise.

"_Laura?_" he said incredulously. I smiled.

"One and the same."

"Laura!" He took my hand in his and beamed. "I can hardly believe it is you. Look at you, blah blah blah…" I'd heard the same speech three times before, so I tuned out and smiled and nodded. "You are all grown up, I can hardly believe it! Why, you are no child anymore!"

I gritted my teeth together. "No… no I'm not," I said as calmly as possible.

"My lord, who is it?" said a soft female voice. I looked past Aragorn, and there was Arwen, looking as pretty as she had always been in a forest green with gold trim. She hadn't aged a day. _Well, duh,_ I thought to myself. _She is an elf…_

"Arwen, do you remember Laura?" Aragorn said, beckoning her to come over.

"The child that accompanied you to Mordor!?" I growled unintentionally, and everyone stared.

"Er, I have something in my throat…"

"Laura, look how you have grown!" Arwen embraced me gently. I rolled my eyes at the twins, who were smiling and looking very amused.

Then another voice rang out. "Mama!" Arwen pulled away and turned around as a little boy came running up to her, his arms out, wanting to be picked up. I almost said "Awww!" out loud. Forgive me for sounding like Michael Jackson, but this little boy was beautiful. He obviously had elvish blood in him. His large brown eyes sparkled cutely, and he had long brown hair. _Sort of like an Anime character… shut up, brain!_

Arwen knelt down and picked the little boy up. He stared at us strangers, curious.

"Mama, who are they?"

"You remember Prince Legolas, and your uncles Elrohir and Elladan, don't you, darling?" Arwen asked quietly. The boy smiled shyly and looked at me.

"Who is the pretty lady with the yellow hair, mama?" he blurted out. I snorted and grinned. I'm a far cry from pretty.

"This is an old friend of ours, son," Aragorn said. "Tell her your name." The boy smiled and buried his face in Arwen's shoulder.

"Elderimmph," he mumbled. I laughed as Aragorn shook his head and smiled.

"He is not usually this shy. His name is Eldarion." Eldarion looked up and cocked his head to the side.

"What is your name?" he asked. I smiled and put my hands on my knees, bending over so I was eye-level with him.

"My name is Laura," I said kindly. Eldarion grinned.

"Hello, Lady Laura."

"Oh, you don't have to call me Lady," I told him. Arwen shook her head gracefully.

"No, he must mind his manners. He needs to know that one musn't introduce themselves by saying 'pretty lady'." I laughed. "But come, Laura, you look tired, and you smell of horse." I turned to Legolas.

"I _told_ you I smelled like a horse's a-"

"So we must go get you cleaned up, and dress you in clean clothes," Arwen finished quickly. I blushed.

"Sorry," I murmured as she handed Eldarion to Aragorn.

"Darling, take your son while I help Laura," she said.

"He is your son, too," Aragorn said quietly. As we walked away, Arwen spoke over her shoulder with a broad smile.

"But he is your son while I attend to feminine duties." I laughed as we walked out of the hall.

:::

"There! You look lovely." I had just taken a bath, and Arwen had dressed me in a pretty sapphire blue dress.

"Oh. Nice," I said dumbly. Arwen smiled.

"You were a mess before."

"Okay, _that_ was Legolas' fault! He wouldn't let me take a bath, AND he got me captured by orcs."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll let mister High-and-Mighty Greenwood Elf explain. Then you can come to me and I'll tell you the real story."

Just as she was about to reply, the door swung open and in tumbled Eldarion.

"Mama!" he shouted, "Ada says I can take Lady Laura down to the city! May I, mama?" he asked, putting on big puppy eyes. Arwen looked unsure.

"Darling, I do not think that-"

"Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on him at all times," I said. She glanced at her son, then smiled.

"Very well, but bring him back before dinner. It will be an hour or so."

"I will, I promise."

"Come on!" Eldarion said, tugging eagerly at my hand. "Come!"

"All right… all right.."

"Have fun, you two," his mother called. I waved back at her, quickly being dragged down the hall.

:::

"This is Ada's tree. It is white," Eldarion told me. I chuckled.

"It is indeed white…"

"It is a special tree," the boy informed me. I nodded.

"Why is it special?"

"Well, because…I don't know," he confessed. I smiled.

"Why don't you show me the city? We can ask your ada later what the tree is for." He nodded eagerly and pulled on my hand.

It was a two minute walk down to the next level of the city. Immediately I found myself in between people of all ages, from babies to old women selling cloth. As we walked down the narrow road, people bowed to the young boy, who took no notice of them. I just shrugged and continued walking. That is, until I heard a woman screaming from somewhere.

Everyone turned to look for the owner of the voice, but there was no one around. Suddenly, a tremendous _crunch_ filled the air, and I spun around. Ten yards behind me, a woman had fallen onto a vegetable stand and landed in a barrel of tomatoes. I stared, as did everyone else. The young woman looked around, then groaned.

"Aw, fudge monkeys! I'm in Minas Tirith!" she wailed mournfully. My jaw dropped and I dragged Eldarion over as fast as I could.

"Crystyna!?" I squawked. She looked up, narrowed her eyes, and stared.

"_Laura?!_"

"Tuna!"

"Luna!" I pulled her out of the barrel (her butt had gotten stuck), and then realized that she had no clothes on. I grimaced.

"Erlack," I muttered, covering Eldarion's eyes with one hand. I then turned around and took my cloak off. "Tuna, put some damn clothes on." I heard her yelp and she snatched the cloak out of my hand.

"Okay, I'm good." I turned around and watched as her eyes slowly grow wide.

"My GOD, what happened to your head!?" she exclaimed.

"I was captured-" She gasped and pointed at Eldarion.

"Who is THAT!?" she yelled, surprised.

"This is Eldar-"

"OH MY GOD, DID YOU AND LEGOLAS GET IT ON!?" she shouted. Her voice echoed through the dead silent street. Everyone stared.

"Nooo!" I groaned, slapping my forehead. Then I grabbed her wrist and dragged her away from the stand. "Come _on!"_

So I dragged the two of them back up to the hall, with Crystyna waving and blowing kisses to any good-looking man we passed, and Eldarion looking quite perplexed.

The guards that had opened the doors before were gone, so I shoved one open myself. I peeked inside, then turned to Crystyna.

"Okay, coast clear," I whispered. She and Eldarion snuck in behind me, and I closed the door. "Crystyna, we need to get you some clothes before someone sees y-"

"Laura? What is going on?" someone behind me said. I groaned.

"Shit." I looked and saw Legolas staring at Crystyna, looking thoroughly confused. She got a huge smile.

"LEGOLAS!" she crowed, pouncing on him and giving him a huge hug. He got a disgusted look on his face.

"Ugh! Laura, who is this half-clothed woman you brought back, some sort of prostitute!?" he yelled. Crystyna backed away, and her eyes filled with tears.

"Don't you remember me, Legsie-poo?" she whispered, her voice sounding squeaky. He gazed at her, then beamed.

"Crystyna!" he said happily. She squealed and ran to hug him again. "You're..naked, like Laura was…"

"You were naked too?" she asked, looking at me. I nodded and told her about the whole Suga Daddy experience. Then I launched into the story about the…interesting discussion Legolas and I had had. When I was through, Crystyna turned on him.

"So, you think you're good in bed?" she asked, one eyebrow raised. Legolas shrugged, looking uncomfortable.

"Well…I suppose…"

"PROVE IT TO ME!!!" Crystyna roared. "Baby, I wanna get in yo pants!!" Legolas backed away a few steps.

"Uh, Laura? Why don't you get Crystyna some clothes? I'll… uh, go tell everyone the situation…" With one final, scared glance at my best friend, he turned and walked away quickly, Eldarion with him.

"Gee, he sure was in a rush…" she muttered. I took a sidelong glance at her.

"So…we're back now."

"Yeah." She smirked.

"Middle Earth is doomed."

::::::::::

(falls down panting and gasping) 7…freaking…PAGES! GAA! (passes out)

Man, usually my chapters are really short, but THIS…damn. Very long, eh?

Hahaha, that conversation with Legolas cracks me up. Crystyna thought up the idea. She's so smart. :D Go check out her stories, "The Young Order" and "The Goddesses of Orlyism" and "How to Snag a Hottie". Look for me in the first two ;). She's an amazing writer!

Also, check out The Solitary Rose's story, "Girl in the Gardens". I love it! Such an awesome plot, and really well written! :) One of my favorite stories.

Well, kids, you know the routine! (points to review button) Go for it!

Much lurve and dirty conversations with Leggy,

**_.:!Laura!:._**


	7. FINISHING SCHOOL?

Hullo! I know, I know, I haven't updated in a very long time. But I was kinda busy with summer school. Boo hiss. But hey, I got a B in Algebra, when I _did_ have a D. Lmao. I'm so good at math, obviously.

Anybob, so I'm sitting here in my new pajamas with little piggies and "What's shakin'?" written all over them. Very comfy. And I am also very content, seeing as my friend got me a Lord of the Rings nesting doll from Russia. Huzzah!

So, now onto the next chapter! Yay!

::::::::::

"Hmm… _Madonna Marries Loch Ness Monster_," giggled Crystyna. I snorted.

"Let's see… _Bill Clinton Is Actually A Robot._" She chortled.

"Oh man. Uh… oh, oh! I got one! _Elton John Is The Next Top Rapper!_" I stopped and thought for a second.

"Y'know, Crystyna, that isn't all that unbelievable…" We both cackled insanely.

Perhaps I should explain. It was late that night after supper, and Crystyna had since been reintroduced to Aragorn, the twins, and Arwen. We were currently both lying in separate beds in a room we shared, making up the strangest tabloid articles we could think of. It had to be well past midnight.

"Oh jeeze. I can't even think of anymore," I said to her. I saw her nod.

"Yeah. What shall we do instead?" she asked.

"Hmm. Shall we reminisce?"

"Oh, we shall."

And so we did. Four hours later…

"HAHAHA!! Oh my _god,_ and then, remember? She took the noodle…?" Both of us howled with laughter and toppled off our beds onto the floor, where we proceeded to clutch our sides and roll across the ground.

"OH MY GOD, I had forgotten about that!" I squealed five minutes later as I pulled myself, gasping for breath, back onto the bed. I lay there chuckling for a minute. Then I stopped and grinned again. "Okay, we better try to get to sleep."

"What time is it?" Crystyna panted from across the room. I sat up and leaned on my elbow to look at the clock on the bedside table.

"Oh jeeze, it's nearly five thirty."

"Damn. Yeah, let's try to get some shut-eye. G'night." We both lay back down and I closed my eyes. Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard Crystyna start giggling.

"Laura," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Remember that time you, me, Katie Beth and Elaina all got together and watched the first Lord of the Rings movie?" I snorted loudly.

"And every time they said 'ring' we replaced it with 'wang'?" We both laughed rather obnoxiously.

"Yeah. Okay, just wanted to see if you remembered that. Nighty-night." I heard her roll over and I settled back down. But of course, now all I could think about was that time. I chuckled again.

"What?" she whispered.

I sat up and grinned at her through the dark. In my best impression of Legolas' voice, I answered quietly "The Wang must be destroyed!" She stuffed her face into her pillow, and I watched as her shoulders heaved while she screamed with laughter. I laughed hysterically out loud.

"No no no no no no no!!!" Tuna screeched. She stopped laughing long enough to make her voice sound sympathetic and serious and say, "'It's the Wang, isn't it, Mr. Frodo?'" We both lost it and cackled insanely. For the next ten minutes we recited lines from "Fellowship of the Ring", each one funnier than the previous. Soon, however, our mirth was interrupted by a knocking at the door.

"Don't answer it," Crystyna gasped. Her most recent line had left us particularly breathless. ("Let the Wangbearer decide.") "If it's really important they'll knock again."

_Knock knock._

"Damn," I muttered. I swung my feet off the bed and went over to the door, Crystyna still sniggering uncontrollably.

"You rang?" I muttered as the door opened.

"Yes, I did," said an unfamiliar voice. I stared into the face of an old woman, who looked to be around seventy. Her thin, salt-and-pepper colored hair was pulled tightly into a bun at the nape of her neck, and the deep wrinkles on her forehead showed that she was absolutely furious.

"Uh, may I help you?" I asked, eyeing her nightdress, which was covered in lace, ribbon, and bows. The old woman glared over my shoulder at Crystyna, who had once again buried her face in the pillow and was gasping. ("Wangbearer…hahahahaha!") I turned back to the woman and grinned.

"Is there a problem?" I said, biting my lip and trying to hide my grin.

"Do you two girls realize that it is nearly dawn, and neither of you have slept a wink?!" she hissed, outraged. I blinked a few times.

"Yes…"

"People are trying to _sleep_!" she chided. "You had both better do the same, or the King will hear about this!" I frowned and quickly thought up a lie.

"My apologies, ma'am. You see, my friend has suffered some severe mental injuries. She went with the King to destroy the Ring-"

"WANG!" Crystyna howled. I snorted, then quickly covered it up with a cough when I saw the woman's glare.

"Anyway. Ever since, she has not been quite right in the head, if you know what I mean." I tapped my skull and gave her a knowing look. "You'll have to excuse her noisiness."

The old woman huffed. With a final scowl at me and Crystyna, she spun on her heel and slowly walked a ways down the hall, then slammed her bedroom door shut. I quietly closed our own door, grinning broadly, and latched it. I turned back to Tuna. She was sitting up and looking at me quietly.

In a completely serious voice, she said slowly, "Sauron senses the Wang."

Needless to say, we didn't sleep for at least another hour.

:::::

Late that morning, I was awakened by someone gently nudging my shoulder.

"Milady? Milady, it is time to get out of bed. The king wishes to breakfast with you."

I sat up, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. The person who had woken me up was a pretty, timid-looking young maid.

"What time is it?" I mumbled.

"It is nearly eleven, milady, and the King is getting rather impatient."

"Eleven!?" I yelped. _Oh, crap!_ No wonder Aragorn was pissed! I turned to wake Crystyna up, but there was already another maid there.

"You and your friend have dresses laid out for you already, milady," the maid said. With a bow, she and the other servant left the room and closed the door.

Crystyna and I flung ourselves out of bed and practically ran into each other.

"Sorry!" we exclaimed to each other at the same time.

"It's cool!" we both replied. We both turned and grabbed our dresses off the ends of our beds. Mine was a nice shade of deep green. I was admiring it when Crystyna groaned.

"Oh. HELL. No." I looked over at the dress she was holding and screamed. Whether it was in horror or in glee, I'm still not sure.

Crystyna was holding one of the ugliest pieces of material I had ever seen in my life. It was brown, which was bad enough. But not only that. It had ruffles on nearly every inch of free fabric, plus some ribbons trimming the bottom hem. It had big puffs on the shoulders of the sleeves. It was absolutely hideous.

"It looks like something took a shit on it!" I crowed. Crystyna answered with a string of cuss words that shall not be repeated for the sake of the rating of this story.

"What the (bleep) is THIS (bleep)ing thing!?" she roared. "There is no way in (bleep)ing hell I will wear that."

"But Crystyna," I said seriously, "don't you _want_ to look like a widow from the eighteenth century?" She gave me a nasty glare and a snarl in reply. I giggled. "I'm sure we'll find you a different dress."

But we didn't. No matter how much she screamed, cussed, and sobbed, no new dress appeared. So, we had to go down to "breakfast", although it was, by that time, lunch.

"Good afternoon, ladies," Aragorn said when we came into the hall. He eyed Crystyna's dress, as though questioning her mental stability. The twins were quaking with silent laughter, and Legolas looked embarrassed for her, though the corners of his mouth were dangerously close to forming a smile. We all sat down around a table and started to eat in silence. Then Crystyna started telling everyone about the previous night's events.

"So apparently you have met Gaya?" Arwen asked, her eyes twinkling slightly. I raised an eyebrow.

"Who?"

"The old woman. Her name is Gaya."

"Oh yeah, her," Tuna mumbled. "Yeah, she was a total bit-"

"Good morning, my lord," an elderly voice said from somewhere behind us. I turned around and saw the woman, Gaya, approaching the table slowly. Crystyna and I hunkered down in our chairs, willing ourselves to disappear.

"Greetings, Gaya," Aragorn said. He stood up, gave her a sweeping bow, then sat back down and gestured to an empty chair. "Please, have a seat and dine with us."

"I couldn't possibly, my lord," she replied. She glanced in my direction, and her eyes narrowed. "So. I see you have met the two troublemakers." Crystyna squeaked and nearly disappeared under the tablecloth.

"Oh, yes. This is Crystyna, and Laura," Arwen said, gesturing to each of us in turn. Crystyna and I waved feebly.

"Hmph. Milady, I must insist that these two… _girls_ be moved to another hall. They are disturbing my rest." Crystyna gave her a nasty glare.

"I'm _not_ a girl. I am a lovely young lady," she proclaimed indignantly. I snorted.

"If you will excuse me, I must go see to my duties. Good day." Gaya bowed as low as her back would allow, then shuffled away. Crystyna chuckled.

"What?" I asked.

"I just realized something. _Gaya_ means "dread"," she explained. I grinned.

"Fits her rather nicely, doesn't it?"

Soon after that, we escaped the table and dashed back to our room, where we promptly started looking for the hidden stash of pants and shirts. An hour later we found trunks full of tunics and leggings under the beds and promptly changed into them. Finally content with our clothing, we ventured back to the hall, where we found Legolas and the twins chatting.

"That looks much better than the dresses you were wearing," Elladan commented. We beamed.

"Especially the one Crystyna was wearing," Elrohir mumbled. I laughed with them, while Crystyna glowered next to Legolas. She wasn't pouting for long, though, when Legolas started talking to her.

"I found Gaya after breakfast," he said conversationally. "It seems she runs a small school where young ladies such as yourselves learn how to behave in the halls of the King."

I was starting to worry where he was going with this.

"I decided to enroll both of you."

"WHAT!?!" I roared. He took a step back in surprise. "You're making us go to school to learn how to be snobby little twits that wear corsets and don't talk and sew for fun!? I think not, Elf Boy. I'd rather run around Middle Earth naked than do that."

"Well, seeing as how you have _already_ run about Middle Earth naked, you might as well go to those classes," Legolas commented. The twins roared with laughter, but soon stopped when I gave them my worst look.

"Why, I oughta..."

"Oh, Laura, it won't be _that_ bad," Crystyna said. "C'mon, let's go find some small children to torment to take your mind off of it." Before I could protest, she dragged me out the doors and down into the marketplace.

"Maybe this whole school thing will be sort of fun," she explained as she eyed some cloth at a little stand. I grabbed her arm and whirled her around to face me.

"Don't. You. Get. It?" I said as calmly as possible, which wasn't calmly at all. "He's making us go to _finishing school!_" She clapped her hand over her mouth in horror.

"No!" she gasped.

"Yes. The place where they make you sit around all day talking about the weather and sipping tea," I growled. Her expression went from shocked to furious.

"Come on!" she spat, and with that she grabbed my wrist and started jogging back up towards the hall. We nearly ran Legolas over as he was coming out.

"You're not sending ME to finishing school!" she screamed in his face.

:::

"I can't _believe_ he's sending me to finishing school!" snarled Crystyna the next morning. We had both woken up late, and instead of putting on the dresses laid out for us (apparently it had been my turn to wear a hideous dress, this time a dull orange instead of brown), we wore the tunics again. As soon as we were dressed we tore down to the courtyard, where Duke was ready and saddled. Crystyna rode a pretty Appaloosa that she borrowed.

"I would scold you for not wearing dresses, but seeing as you are late, I'll spare you," Legolas said simply. We glared at him defiantly. "Stop being so childish. You are doing this for your own good, since you will be residing in the king's halls for a while."

"Easy for you to say. Want to join us in sitting around and being pretty?" I snapped.

"I will pass, thank you," he retorted. "Now go on, you are late." He slapped Duke's rump. Duke leapt a few feet and loped out the gate, Crystyna close behind.

"Do not try skipping the class; I assure you I'll find out," Legolas called. I flashed a rather rude hand gesture behind me in reply.

The small building where the Death Trap- excuse me, _finishing school_ was located was down on the first level of the city. It took us about ten minutes to get down there. We stopped in front of the gate to the small courtyard briefly.

"Well, this is it," I said.

"Goodbye, cruel world!" sobbed Crystyna. People gave her strange looks, then hurried about their business. Then we rode through the gates, and our jaws dropped.

All around us were young women about twenty years old, wearing frilly, baby pink dresses; their hair was tied back with shiny white ribbons in big bows. Crystyna wrinkled her nose in disgust while I muttered, "Ew…" All of them looked up simultaneously and went "Oooh!"

"Er…hi," Crystyna said weakly. I waved. We both shrieked as the girls came running at the horses.

"Oooh, what a pretty pony!" one of them squealed, petting Duke's nose. I glared at her.

"Excuse me? _Pony!? _This is no pony," I declared loudly. "This, my puffy little friend, is a pure, 100% American saddle horse, also known as a saddlebred. That's _hardly_ a pony." The girl narrowed her eyes.

"It is rude to contradict a lady."

"What do you think I am, a peanut?" I spat back.

"No, but you look like a man in those clothes." She and a few of the girls laughed lightly. I growled and tightened my grip on the reins, wanting to run her down so badly.

"Oh, ha-ha-ha. You must be the funniest person in all the White City, you great prat," Crystyna snarled. Then and there, both of us made a silent vow to make this girl's life a living hell, since she was apparently quite popular.

"Girls, girls! We have two new- oh," said a now-familiar voice. Crystyna and I groaned as Gaya made her way through the cloud of pink ribbon-ness. Her face and voice hardened. "These are your new friends that will be learning proper etiquette," she said dismissively. "Come along, now, it is time for sewing."

"Sewing?" Crystyna and I muttered. I screeched as someone reached up and tugged me off of Duke's back. I nearly fell face-first into the dirt, but managed to keep my balance. I looked at the person who was so eager to meet me, about to shout. But I didn't. The girl was kind-looking, and hardly seemed snobby. She had big, blue eyes and deep brown curly hair that hung to her shoulders, even in the ponytail she was wearing.

"The stablehands will take your horses," she said with a smile. Her voice was quiet. I grinned.

"Okay, cool. Thanks." Crystyna tumbled off her horse, and we followed the girl into the small building.

"Sewing is one of the more boring parts of the day," the girl whispered. "I utterly loathe it, but you two may like it." I exchanged a glance with Crystyna, who shrugged. Then we went into the room. Crystyna gagged behind me, and I felt sick to my stomach.

Everything in the room was either pink, lacey, frilly, or all of the above. It was, to say the least, disgusting. Each girl was seated daintily on a wooden chair, painted white, white a pink flowery cushion. There were three empty chairs near the back of the room. The three of us took those seats. The girl that had helped us picked up a dress from a box next to her chair and began hemming it. Crystyna raised her eyebrow and said, "I've never even _touched_ a dress that frilly before. How the hell am I supposed to _hem_ one?"

"No idea," I muttered. The only elderly woman in the room glared at us, as though we had done something terribly wrong. I blinked and raised my hand.

"Excuse me? Teacher? We- OW!" The woman had taken out a small branch and whipped my hand. "What the HELL was that for?" I shouted. The girls in the room gasped. "OUCH!!!" She hit it again.

"Do not speak unless spoken to," she snapped. I glared at her.

"Well, _pardon me,_ Miss Manners," I growled under my breath.

"My name is Lady Mora. You shall address me as Lady Mora. Why are you not sewing?" the woman asked harshly.

"Well, because I don't _have_ anything to sew. Duh."

"Get something small out of the box and begin." She jabbed a finger to a small wooden box next to the chair, then spun on her heel and began to examine everyone else's work. Suddenly she shrilled, "Look, girls! Look at Lady Blossom's lovely pillow cover!" She had stopped next to the girl that had called Duke a pony, who was grinning in a way she apparently thought was beautiful. It wasn't. In fact, she looked like a horse. "Look how tiny her stitches are! So perfect!" Lady Mora cooed. Everyone else started gushing over it, telling Blossom how lovely her work was.

I looked down at my own cloth. It had no stitches in it. All it had was a flowery pattern of a unicorn taking a drink from a stream. I wrinkled my nose. This was going to suck. I glanced over at Crystyna, who seemed to be having a lot better luck than I. She was embroidering a leafy vine pattern into a piece of silk. Her stitches weren't as small as Blossom's, but they were much smaller than I could ever make mine. She grinned and winked at me, then went back to work. I glowered at her. _Okay, Laura, you can do this_, I thought to myself. _Start with the stream. It can't be that hard._

I dug through the box and found some light blue thread, then attempted to put it through the needle. Five minutes later I accomplished that task, and then jabbed the needle through the cloth. It promptly went through with a loud _rip! _Everyone stopped and looked at me accusingly.

"Oops…"

"What have you _done!_" Lady Mora cried. "That was my best pattern, and you've ruined it! Have you been raised by _dwarves!?_" I glared at her, then got a brilliant idea.

I fell sideways off the chair and onto the floor. I put my face in my hands and started to sob loudly. "Yes, I _was_ raised by dwarves! Rub it in, why don't you!" I wailed. Between my fingers I saw Crystyna stuff her face into her work and snigger insanely. "Why does everyone compare my acts to those of a dwarf? What is wrong with dwarves?" I bawled. Lady Mora stared at me, unsure what to do. All of the young women in the room were staring as well, a few of them looking sympathetically at me. This was too funny.

"Oh, get up!" Lady Mora said suddenly. She grabbed my wrist and tugged me to my feet. "Stop blubbering! You are a heathen, and I will make sure that it will be fixed!" she cried shrilly. "Come with me!" She dragged me out of the room. I gave Crystyna one last helpless look. She returned the favor by pointing and cackling. I growled at her, then closed the door. Lady Mora marched me down the hallway to a vacant room filled with books.

"This is the library," she said shortly.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," I murmured. She went over to a shelf and yanked out a leather-bound book with gold trim.

"In this book, you will learn everything you need to know about how to act in the presence of a king," she explained. She thrust the heavy book into my arms, then pointed to a chair. "You will read this until lunch time. Then, after you have eaten, you will join the other girls. I will check on you every few minutes." She turned and walked out the door. I heard the lock click, then settled into the chair and stared dumbly at the cover of the book. I opened it and read the first paragraph, then tossed it over my shoulder. This sucked.

:::

Nearly four hours later I was free to go eat "lunch", which consisted of a peach and a piece of bread. Yay rah. I managed to find Crystyna quite easily in all of the pinkness. She was searching desperately for someone to sit with.

"It's like middle school all over again!" she wailed. I nodded. Then I spotted a familiar face sitting alone beneath the only tree in the vicinity. It was the pretty girl that had been so nice to us.

"Let's sit with her. She's cool." Crystyna nodded, and we made our way towards her. She was daintily finishing off her piece of bread. She looked up in surprise as we approached.

"Hey," Crystyna said with a broad smile. "Mind if we sit with you?"

"Of course not!" she replied, beaming. "No one ever sits with me." Her face fell. I felt bad for her.

"Well, now you can be really cool like us!" I said, plopping down on a root next to her. She gave us a politely puzzled glance.

"Cool?"

"Like, neat. Better than everyone else," explained Crystyna. The girl blushed.

"Oh, I don't think I'm better than everyone else," she said modestly.

"Yes you are," I said quickly. "You're loads better than that git over there." I jabbed my thumb in the direction of Blossom, who was sitting with her friends and laughing. "By the way, what's your name?"

"My name is Aelis," she said. "What are your names?"

"I'm Crystyna, and that's Laura," Tuna said. "It's neat that you're so nice, 'cause everyone else seems rather… you know. Uppity." Aelis laughed.

"Well, I am not as popular as most of the girls. My father is not nearly as rich as theirs. He owns an inn not too far from here, and he has sent me here so that I may help him once he gets too old to run it by himself. My mother died when I was a baby, so it has just been the two of us."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

She smiled. "It is well. I never really knew her, but-"

"Well, well, well," said a voice behind me. I spun around and glared at Blossom, who was surrounded by some of her cronies. "Birds of a feather flock together, don't they?" she said rather rudely, glaring at Aelis, who blushed deeply and fiddled with her skirt. I stood up and looked at Blossom.

"Well, you sort of look like a bird. Why don't you join us?" I retorted. Her jaw dropped and she stared.

"How _dare_ you? My father is a noble man, and he could get you removed from the city faster than I could blink an eye!" she cried.

"Well, Blossom dear, that must take a while: you are so fat that it would be a helluvan effort for you to blink." Crystyna stood up as well. I chortled as Blossom's friends, who were rather large, cracked their knuckles. Aelis tugged on Crystyna's and my pant legs.

"Please, don't. They will only cause you more trouble," she hissed pleadingly.

"What is wrong, Aelis? Must you hide behind these wenches so that you do not get more verbal abuse?" one of the girls spat. Blossom tittered madly.

"No, but it seems like Blossom has to hide her fatness behind the two of you!" I snarled.

"You little _whore!_" the other girl shrieked. Crystyna lunged out and grabbed the front of her dress, pulling the girl so close that their noses were mere inches apart.

"Call her that again," she whispered. The girl narrowed her eyes.

"I will not call her that, but I will call _you _that! WHORE!" she shrieked triumphantly. I screamed in rage, wound up, and punched her so hard that I definitely heard her nose crack. She fell to the ground, screaming about murderers.

"Filthy! Little! Slut!" I screeched, slapping her after every word across the face. "How DARE you call her that! Only I have that privilege!" I whirled around and looked at Blossom furiously. She bawled and hid behind her other friend, who looked rather apprehensively at Crystyna's balled up fist.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?" someone shouted.

"Oh, _shit_," Crystyna groaned. We both turned around as Gaya jogged as fast as her old legs could take her. She knelt down beside Blossom's friend, who was still writhing and wailing in pain, her hand over her nose. There was a puddle of blood forming on her dress.

"Who did this to you, Nareese?" Gaya whispered. Nareese pointed at me, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Her! She threatened to kill be and den hit be on da face!" she said. She took her hand away from her nose; blood was pouring out of her left nostril. "Den she went after Blossom and tried to rib oud her hair!" I gaped.

"That's a lie!" I said angrily. "I never touched Blossom's ugly hair! It's so greasy that-"

"SILENCE!" Gaya roared. I shut up and took a step backwards. "Both of you!" she snarled, pointing at Crystyna and me. "I never want to see your awful little faces again! Get out! Never set foot in my school for the rest of your lives!"

"GLADLY!" Crystyna yelled. She made as though she was going to slap Gaya, but I stopped her.

"If you hit her, we're dead," I hissed. She growled, then yanked her arm away and stalked towards the gate. The horses were tied there. We both climbed onto their backs, and Crystyna rode out the gate. I hesitated for a minute, then turned back around.

"Hey, Aelis!" I called. She looked up, her face red from crying. "Don't worry, hun! You come up to the hall whenever you want! I'll personally make sure you can meet the king, and you can tell him the truth!" Aelis beamed and nodded.

"Good bye!" she called, waving and grinning.

"See ya!" As a farewell, Duke lifted his tail.

"MY FLOWERS!" Gaya wailed. Duke whinnied and pranced in place. I smirked at the rather large pile of manure, then rode out the gate cackling. Crystyna was waiting for me.

"Well, how do you think Legolas is going to react when we get back?" I asked. Her face blanched.

"Oh, damn." I bit my lip.

"We're dead."

::::::::::

Moral of the story? Never send me and Tuna to finishing school? (smirks)

Anyway, I'm off to good ol' Texas for five days! Yeehaw! I promised Tuna I would update before I left, so here it is.

I'm not sure if they really have finishing schools in Minas Tirith, but guess what?

I DON'T CAAAARE!!! PBBBBTH!!!

Anybob. Don't be all "But Laura, there _aren't_ finishing schools in M.T.! That's just silly!" 'Cause I don't give a shit. (grins coyly)

I'm off to ride horses on the beach! I'll be expecting _muchos reviewos_ when I get back. Ciao darlings!

Much lurve and Leggy,

**_!Laura!_**

P.S. If you didn't know, _nariz_ is the Spanish word for "nose". It is pronounced "nareese." BWAHAHAHAHA. Okay I'm done. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Tuna!)

P.P.S. This chapter was seven and a half pages long.


	8. Dirty Dancing: Middle Earth Nights

q"You WHAT!?"

Legolas was angry.

"_How did you possibly manage to get dismissed on your first day!?"_

Very, very angry.

"Not only have you humiliated yourselves, but you have also humiliated _me_."

"Gee, wouldn't want THAT to happen," I muttered. The elf glared at me.

"This is just completely unbelievable. What did you do, anyway?"

"We mauled someone," Crystyna piped up.

"…Pardon?"

"Yeah, Legolas! You should have seen my right hook. Man, it _rocked!_" I added earnestly. Legolas covered his face with one hand.

"I cannot believe this…"

"But we were defending someone," Crystyna explained semi-patiently. "She was getting bullied by some ugly girl named Blossom who-"

"I don't care if she was Aragorn's long-lost daughter!" Legolas said furiously. "The mere fact that you, Laura, punched someone is positively absurd!"

"Is this going to take much longer?" I asked boredly.

"No," Legolas spat. "But the two of you are acting like children, which is strange because, when last I checked, you both were at least twenty years of age. And if you are going to act like children, you will be punished like children."

"What, are you going to send us to our rooms?" Crystyna mocked.

"No, because lord knows what the two of you will do if I leave you alone in there."

"Legolas, that comment was so incredibly slashy. Stop being a pervert," I scolded.

"So what _are_ you going to do?" interrupted Crystyna. Legolas' face turned up in a smirk so frightening that even the bravest orc would have turned tail and fled.

"No elves for one week."

:::

"Elf deprivation for an entire seven days!" Crystyna wailed a while later. We had gone back to our room after pleading with Legolas for nearly two hours. But he stood firm. No Elladan, no Elrohir, no nothing. We were sent to our room without supper.

"This totally bites," I whined. "I miss my Ro-Ro already." I pouted at the mirror across the room. Crystyna looked over at me, one eyebrow raised.

"…Ro-Ro?" she said dryly.

"Yes. That is my Elrohir. Ro-Ro!" I explained impatiently. I sighed and hugged my knees. "This is so retarded. Legolas is so mean. He doesn't realize what sort of torture he is putting us through."

"Yeah, no kidding." Crystyna was cut off by a knock at the door. I rolled off my bed and walked over.

"Legolas, go find new fangirls. We're boycotting," I snarled through the crack.

"No we're not!" Crystyna squeaked.

"Lady Laura? Lady Crystyna? You have a visitor," said a maid's voice. Crystyna leapt off the bed and jogged over beside me. We walked out the door together, getting a bit stuck in the narrow threshold, but in the end we pulled through (literally and figuratively). I distinctly saw the maid roll her eyes before leading us down to the entryway.

It was obvious who our visitor was before we could even see her clearly. She was looking around nervously, obviously unsure of what to do in such a place as King Elessar's halls.

"Aelis!" I called, waving happily. The poor girl jumped about three feet in the air at the sound of her name, then whirled around clutching her chest as though she might have a heart attack. Crystyna exchanged a look with me.

"You scared me terribly," Aelis accused as we came closer.

"Sorry," Crystyna and I said simultaneously. Aelis smiled slightly, then got a worried look on her face.

"So, what brings you here at such a late hour?" Crystyna asked.

"Er, Tuna? It's only six o'clock…"

"Oh…"

"I cannot stay long, but I came to warn you," Aelis said. Crystyna furrowed her brows curiously, giving her a hilarious expression of the utmost concentration.

"Warn us? About what?"

"Two days from now, Gaya is holding a banquet in this very hall," she explained. Crystyna gasped dramatically. "She has already received the permission of the King, and many noble families shall be there. You two must behave well, or she will spread rumors of you all over the kingdom," said Aelis in a slightly hysterical voice. "Please, do not do anything rash." She gave us a pleading look. "I must go now. I will see you the day after tomorrow!" With that she dashed out the door and out of sight. I thought about what she had said to us, and I smirked. I glanced over at Crystyna. She was smiling slightly as well.

"Tuna, m'dear, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked smugly.

"You mean that we go upstairs, pick out the perfect dresses to wear, figure out hairstyles, and memorize which fork is the salad fork?" I rolled my eyes.

"Not quite." I smiled at the doorway. "Be prepared, eh? Oh, we'll be prepared all right. C'mon, Crystyna, we have work to do." I grabbed her wrist and pulled her along back towards our room.

"Laura, you have that look in your eye."

"What look?"

"The same look that you had when you suggested we go streaking through campus, right past the fraternities," Crystyna said, sounding aggravated. I reminisced with a grin.

"But hey, that guy Todd that you thought was so hot got to see you naked!" I explained, as we rounded a corner and jogged down a narrower hallway.

"Yeah, but so did Melvin, that guy that collects lint to study dust mites," she groaned with a visible shudder.

"You know you had the hots for him. OW!" She jabbed me in the ribs with her elbow. We reached our room, and Crystyna put her hand out.

"MELON!" she shouted. I rolled my eyes again and turned the handle.

"It's not melon, my retarded friend. It is _mellon. _Right, we need a sewing kit," I said, mostly to myself. "Let's split up, gang!"

"Cut the Scooby Doo crap, Luna," my beloved companion growled. I sniggered.

After an exhausting search of two full minutes, we stopped and rang the little bell sitting on the dresser. A maid came in thirty seconds later.

"We need a sewing kit," I explained slowly. The young woman gave me a typical You-have-got-to-be-kidding look. I grinned toothily at her. The maid gave a disgusted sigh, and reached under the bed, pulling out a little wicker basket. I pouted.

"That is the crappiest place ever. Who keeps a sewing kit under the bed?" scoffed Crystyna.

"Everyone one does, miss," the maid replied through gritted teeth.

"And as fascinating as that is, we really have work to do. Begone, slave!" I commanded, pointing at the door. The maid gave us a rather sarcastic bow, then left the room.

"Meddling kids," I grumbled.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE SCOOBY DOO CRAP??"

:::

We worked all the way through the night: sewing, hemming, ripping, mending, and, of course, drinking. Because no sewing party would be complete without sneaking out in the middle of the night and snitching some wine. Duh. We worked until nearly a quarter till six in the morning. Then we slept until noon, woke up, had brunch, and without saying a word to anyone we marched right back to our room and locked ourselves in until dinner.

Dinner that night was… interesting, to say the least.

Why, you may ask? Well, I may answer, it was because the dear Lady Gaya decided to grace us with her lovely presence that night. She managed to subtly point out every flaw that Crystyna and I had, directly to Aragorn and Legolas. The king's expression became increasingly amused, while Legolas' became more and more furious.

"God, he's such a tightass," Crystyna hissed to me, knowing that the dear Mirkwood princeling heard every word.

"Well, m'lords and ladies, we must retire for to our chambers to slumber and dream of the wonderful banquet that awaits us in the coming day," I cooed as Crystyna and I stood up from the table and delicately (and very stupidly) twirled so that our skirts poofed out around us. As a servant pushed in our chairs, I gave Gaya a slightly (only slightly) exaggerated bow. As the two of us sauntered away, I heard the old hag give us a low growl.

Finally, at about ten thirty that night, we finished our creations.

"Eet eez mah _piece de resistance!_" I exclaimed happily. Crystyna nodded excitedly. Then, after changing into night gowns, both of us keeled over and slept like logs. Or ents.

:::

Have you ever had that feeling you're being watched? I have!

Late that night, I woke up and got that feeling. See, I had just been dreaming about me and Elrohir sitting on a cloud, making sweet procreational whoopee. But of course, like all good dreams, I woke up just at the good part. I won't go into details.

Anyway, so there I was, lying and saying to myself, "No! I'm not awake! I'm still with my Ro-Ro…" and I got that I'm-being-watched feeling. So I opened my eyes, only to see a pair of eyes staring right back at me. I opened my mouth to scream, but someone's hand clapped over it before I could wake the dead.

After struggling for a moment, I looked up to see who my soon-to-be rapist was and saw that it was Elrohir.

Hey. You can't rape the willing, know what I'm saying? Eh? Eh?

"Forgive me for waking you," he breathed with a gorgeous smile. He whispered so softly in my ear that I got shivers running down my back. Uh-oh! Mary Sue alert! Code red!

"Actually, I can't think of a better way to be woken up," I blurted. I caught myself too late, and my cheeks started to burn. Elrohir's eyes twinkled.

"Come ride me," he breathed. I sat up so quickly that I nearly whacked my head against his.

"_I beg your pardon!_" I hissed angrily. Elrohir looked confused. "_What did you just say!?"_

"I said 'Come take a ride with me'," he replied softly. I let out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

"Oh! I thought you said…er…never mind…" I trailed off, blushing furiously. Elrohir grinned cheekily.

"Shall I go saddle the horses then?" he asked eagerly. I groaned and laid back down.

"It's two thirty in the morning, and I'm exhausted," I mumbled into my pillow. I turned my head to look at him, then covered my face again. "Oh no, not the puppy dog face…"

"Please?" he begged in a hunky elf-warrior way. I sat up once again and glared.

"Fine. One hour tops, okay?" I growled. I swung my legs out of the bed and tiptoed towards the door.

"Milady, you might want to put some other attire on," Elrohir said with a mischievous bow. I looked down at my nightgown, and shrieked quietly when I realized that it was quite transparent. Oh well, at least I wasn't in just a bra and underwear like SOMEONE. (cough Crystyna cough)

"Out!" I hissed, shoving Elrohir out the door and locking it behind him. I heard him chuckle and walk away. Quickly I changed into pants and a shirt, then bolted out the door and down to the stables. Our horses were fully tacked by the time I got there.

"Remember, one hour and no more," I said quietly as I scrambled onto Duke's back.

Two hours later we were laughing and chatting about Legolas and his childhood antics as we galloped over the flat ground around the city.

"Yes, Legolas was quite the little brat years ago," Elrohir said over the rushing wind.

"I can imagine," I called back. The elf laughed, then gestured for me to follow him. A few minutes later we were traveling uphill, and when we came around a turn in the path, I gasped.

Nearly four miles away, the city of Minas Tirith was shining in the otherworldly glow of the full moon. It looked like something out of a movie.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Elrohir asked as his horse sidled up to Duke. I looked over at him. I wanted so badly to say something intelligent, such as: "Oh, for years I have longed to see such a sight. The White City is so majestic looking in the light of the moon."

Instead, I said, "Oh, nice."

Elrohir laughed. "Indeed," he agreed. "It is very romantic."

I glanced at him, startled. He looked at me from the corner of his eye, and gave me a hypnotizing, charming smile; a smile that made you wanna tackle the guy and get jiggy with it. _Yummy lips. Yummy, yummy, yummy elfy lips._

"Yes," I muttered. "Yes, romantic…wait…I mean NO! No, it is not romantic at all!" I yelled, scooting Duke away from Elrohir's horse quickly. The poor elf looked baffled. Bad, hot elf! Trying to seduce defenseless little me! Arg!

"We should probably go back," I said. Subtle hint, anyone? "It's late. Yeah, late. And I'm tired."

"Very well. But we must come back here again soon," he whispered. Oh god, it was that smile again. My stomach did several barrel rolls inside of me.

"Yes…soon…NO! I mean maybe! I'm not sure! I'm a very busy person. If it fits into my schedule, then yes. Okay. Let's go," I squeaked, slightly panicky.

When we arrived back at the city, in the stables, I vaulted off of Duke and ran out the door, calling a quick good-night over my shoulder. Back in my room, I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

"I'm making a vow, right here," I whispered to myself. "From now on, no more Mary Sue-ness around Elrohir."

Little did I know that in less than twenty-four hours I would have already broken that oath.

About an hour later I awoke with a start to hear the doorknob turning, and I opened my eye slightly to see Crystyna sneaking back into the room. Wait a tic, hadn't she been there? I looked over at her bed. Nope, empty. Okay, what the hell was going on?

"Ahem?" I said loudly. She squawked and jumped so high her feet actually left the ground. She spun around and glared.

"You scared me," she accused.

"I'm good at that sort of thing. Where were you, young lady?" I teased. She grinned impishly.

"Oh, you know. Wandering around the corridors… looking into random bedrooms…"

"…and you were doing all of this in your undies?" She smirked again.

"Perhaps…"

"And lemme guess… you just _happened_ to wander into either Legolas or Elladan's room, right?" She looked at me with false surprise.

"However did you know, Luna dear!?"

"And how exactly did you torment the hotness?"

"Oh, I just went in and sat on their beds, y'know. And when they woke up, before they were fully awake, I stole away, into the night!" She twirled around and made wooshing noises. I rolled my eyes.

"Slutpuppy." Crystyna replied with a rather hard pillow in my face. "I must start calling you the Slut Fairy." She giggled into her pillow, and within two minutes was snoring.

:::

The next morning both Crystyna and I woke up around noon.

"Gasp!" Crystyna announced. "Only seven hours until the banquet!" We hurled ourselves out of bed and ran to the kitchen, where we nicked some pastries and milk, with a rather unfortunate response from the cook.

"Remind me to never provoke a chef wielding a meat cleaver again," I panted.

"Fortunately for us, he was about two hundred years old," Crystyna wheezed.

Once back in our room, we ate, and then put on our "adjusted" dresses. Then we dug around and found a jewelry box full of… jewelry. Go figure. Almost all of it was silver.

"Just what we need," cackled my dear insane friend. I nodded in agreement, and pulled out a particularly gaudy pair of chandelier earrings. We both stared at them.

"Do people in Middle Earth pierce their ears?" Crystyna asked, perplexed. I shrugged.

"Who cares. I'm wearing them anyway."

"They're very hot- OOH!" She pulled out a huge pair of hoops and beamed. "This totally rocks!"

After finding our jewelry, we proceeded to make up. Well, we tried to, in any case. We needed eyeliner, but apparently Middle Earth was eyeliner-deprived. Needless to say, we were upset. But then Crystyna had a brilliant idea.

"Get me some ink from the desk," she commanded. As I went over, I said to her, "Crystyna, I'm sorry, but I am not putting runny ink around my eyes."

"Be silent, oh naïve one," she barked as she snatched the ink from me. She went over to the vanity with a grin. "It won't be runny anyways," she explained. Before I could respond, she had picked up some powder and dumped it into the jar of ink. "See? This will thicken it up, so it won't run." I grinned at her.

"Your inner genius is shining through, Tuna my friend," I said proudly.

"Shut up. Come over here and put some on." She patted the chair beside her and started carefully painting on her homemade eyeliner.

After make up, we moved onto hair. Two hours and fifteen hairstyles later, we were both appropriately preened.

"Now for pouting!" Crystyna announced. I blinked several times at her.

"Pouting?"

"Duh! To look one hundred percent sexy, one must pout a lot. Observe." She jutted out her lower lip a bit, and I raised an eyebrow.

"Actually, when I look at it like this," I commented, tipping my head to one side, "it looks more like you're constipated than anything."

"Hardy har har," she growled.

And so, for the remainder of the afternoon, we practiced our pouting.

"Purse your lips more."

"I'm trying! It's hard to talk if I do!"

"It wouldn't if you were doing it right."

"Shut up. You need to stop wrinkling your nose when you do it, anyway."

We pouted until our lips hurt. By then it was five thirty.

"Only an hour and a half to go!" Crystyna called.

"Tuna, darling, I am standing right beside you. You don't need to yell."

:::

At exactly seven o'clock, someone knocked on our door. Crystyna lunged o open it, but I stopped her.

"This is supposed to be a surprise, remember?" I hissed. Comprehension dawned on her.

"Oh! My bad."

"Who is it?" I called.

"Miladies, the banquet is about to begin," a feminine voice answered.

"Tell them to start without us: we aren't quite ready," Crystyna said.

"Is something wrong?" the maid outside our door asked. I glanced at Crystyna.

"Er…no…" I said slowly.

"Then why are you not coming right now?"

"Because…we're, ah, naked," Crystyna lied. I slapped my forehead.

"But milady, your escorts…"

"Tell them we're late, okay?" I said with a tone of finality. The woman sighed and walked away. Crystyna and I laughed.

"This is gonna be so awesome," she cried happily. "All we need to do is put on our shoes and we're all set." I beamed and pulled out our footwear: the Middle Earth version of go-go boots. They were hot as hell. Both pairs were black and came up to the middle of the shin. Crystyna had somehow made them pumps by hammering small blocks of wood to the heel and painting it black. We stood for a second admiring ourselves in the mirror, squealing a bit, then walked out the door and down towards the hall.

When we reached the hall, there were two guards standing on either side of the entrance. They were just there for show, but they both were wearing dressy armor with leather boots. When they saw us, their eyes widened, and they exchanged a glance.

"We are here for the banquet," I told them in a superior voice. The one closest to me smirked and took a step forward.

"Are you the dancers?" he asked flirtatiously. I growled. With an almighty "Argh!" Crystyna stepped up on my right and slammed her heel into the guard's foot. He let out a short, loud yelp of pain before glaring at us.

"I will have you know that we're two of the most important guests in this hall," she seethed. "Let us pass, unless you want King Elessar to find out about your rudeness." The guards nodded nervously and stepped aside. We passed through without further problems.

As soon as we got inside the hall, I was impressed by how many people were there. There were five very long tables pushed together to create an even bigger one. Arwen and Aragorn sat at the head, with their son in between them. No one seemed to notice we were there, until dear little Eldarion announced our presence with a very obvious yell.

"Ada! Mama! Look at what Lady Crystyna and Lady Laura are wearing!" he squealed excitedly. There was a loud noise of people shifting in their seats to look in our direction, and then a large gasp. One woman went far enough as shrieking and fanning herself.

"Drama queen," Crystyna muttered.

Perhaps I should explain this reaction. You see, Crystyna and I had decided that Gaya and the rest of the noblemen of Minas Tirith should sample a taste of what our world was like. And so we made our own dresses, which obviously meant that they were quite revealing. What we had done was this.

I had found two black silk dresses that fit us just right, while Crystyna found a very lacy, very seethrough night gown with a flowery pattern. We cut large slits in the front of the dresses that came up to our calves and ended in a point, then sewed in the lace from the nightgown. Then we added trains to the back of the dresses, and cut the necklines lower. Therefore, we had two revealing, bell-sleeved, long dresses that would have been quite conservative on Earth. However, we weren't in Kansas anymore (not that we ever were in the first place), and so these Middle Earthlings responded differently.

Then Crystyna had applied her eyeliner quite liberally and gave herself what she called "Cleopatra eyes," which was Egyptian-style makeup. It was quite attention grabbing, but still very pretty. I had stuck with just a bit on my eyelids. Then there was our hair, which was done in elegant up-dos: Crystyna's looked a lot better than mine, so I put my hair in chopsticks I made with knitting needles painted black.

Shut up. It looked nice.

Although Crystyna said it made me look like a grandmother… Anyway, she just put hers in a cool little French twist thing that turned out to be really messy, because neither of us had a clue as to what we were doing, but it looked awesome.

Anybob.

We were also wearing silver jewelry with black stones, presumably something similar to onyx. It added a nice, mysterious touch. Ooh, ahh!

Crystyna and I sauntered over to our seats (there were two free ones right across from Legolas, and a few seats down on the opposite side of the twins) and gracefully plopped into the chairs. Everyone in the hall was dead silent, and turned their heads as we passed so they could get a better look. The men (no matter how old) looked extremely pleased/surprised, while the women looked downright murderous.

As we sat down, people leaned out over the table to look at us. Elladan winked cheekily at us. Elrohir, on the other hand, actually stood up to see over people's heads, his mouth wide open. Crystyna and I batted our heavily-lined eyes at him.

Legolas, of course, was dumbfounded.

"_What are you wearing!?"_ he hissed. Of course, since it was so quiet, everyone in the hall could hear him.

"Why, Legolas," I said, "this is traditional clothing back in our homeland."

"Yes," Crystyna added, "all women dress like this. I thought you knew that."

Obviously, we had this all planned out.

"Go change right this minute!" he scolded.

"No!" someone snapped. Everyone turned to look at who it was that yelled. I was dumbfounded to see it was Gaya. "Let them remain in that attire. If it is what they wish," she added. I was scared by the look in her eye. Crystyna and I shrugged as the first course was brought out.

Dinner went by without incident. Tuna and I had practiced not slurping, gulping, smacking, and burping. And people started talking after a while, instead of gawking at us.

Which is a good thing.

After dinner, things went whoops. At least for other people. For us, however, it was a total blast.

"What now?" Eldarion said loudly. Everybody chuckled. Then Aragorn stood up and made a speech about something that was boring, and then Gaya spoke.

"I have a most lovely idea," she announced. Crystyna and I glanced at each other as Gaya smiled menacingly at us. "Since the two of you seem so excited to show off your culture, why don't you sing and dance for us?"

Oh my god, was this the perfect opportunity or what?

"Dance? Very well then," Crystyna said as she stood up and curtseyed. I followed suit. Then she hissed in my ear, "Go find a guy. I think you know what we're gonna do." I grinned evilly and went straight to Elrohir.

"Milord, may I have this dance?" I asked, curtseying once again and holding my dress up to show off a bit of my legs.

"Of course, milady," he responded happily with a polite bow. He took my hand and lead me over to a clear spot in the hall. Everyone was staring at us again. I supposed I should get used to it happening a lot.

"Luna, we must show these lovely people our native dance," Crystyna cooed.

"Right you are, Tuna," I agreed. We both cleared our throats and, in a matter-of-fact voice, said:

"The grind."

"Right. In our homeland, we do not waltz as you do," I announced. Crystyna nodded.

"Instead, we stay in one spot. The maiden faces away from the man, like so." She turned around so that her back was to Elladan. I did the same. Both elves looked extremely confused.

"Exactly. Now," I continued, "the dance we are now showing you has been passed on for many generations."

"_Liar_," Crystyna hissed.

"Anyway, this is quite a simple dance to do," I said. "Simply stand very close to your partner-" I backed closer towards Elrohir, and Crystyna did the same with Elladan "-and move your body!"

Hence, grinding occurred.

Elladan and Elrohir literally jumped away, they were so freaked out. People in the audience were murmuring to each other and staring as though we had just run past with no clothes on. We girls laughed and just backed it up some more. They got the idea finally and sort of relaxed. Sort of.

"Anyways," Crystyna continued, "the man usually puts his hands on the maiden's waist." That said, she grabbed Elladan's hands and forcefully put them on her hips. I was about to do the same, but Elrohir beat me to it. I looked over my shoulder at him and smirked. He grinned back. __

"And don't forget," I called, not taking my eyes off his, "the man needs to move as well."

"And that is where I draw the line," he hissed in my ear. I sniggered uncontrollably.

"That is more than enough!" Gaya roared. I jumped away from Elrohir, the two of us laughing hysterically.

"That is possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!" Gaya exclaimed.

"That's a lie. She should look herself in a mirror naked," Crystyna muttered. That just set me off again laughing.

"If you cannot dance appropriately, then maybe you can _sing_ appropriately?" the old woman sneered. I glanced at Crystyna. She smirked.

"Naughty girl," she hissed. I blinked as she turned back to everyone. "Well, my good friends, we shall now sing you a folk song from many years ago."

"Yes, seven whole years," I grumbled. Crystyna elbowed me in the ribs and continued.

"It is a lovely little sonnet about a young woman named Beyonce."

"Oh my god…" I groaned.

"Ahem."

I'm feelin' sexy  
I wanna hear you say my name boy  
If you can reach me  
You can feel my burning flame!

We danced around, going "Ooh!" and "Yeah!" at random intervals. It was really fun, especially seeing the looks on peoples' faces.

I'm feelin' kind of n-a-s-t-y  
I might just take you home with me  
Baby the minute I feel your energy  
Your vibe's just taken over me  
Start feelin' so crazy babe

By now Aragorn was quaking with silent laughter. Hell, I think you would be too if your foster brothers had just gotten up in front of about a hundred noble families and danced provocatively.

Tonight I'll be your naughty girl  
I'm callin' all my girls  
We're gonna turn this party out  
I know you want my body  
Tonight I'll be your naughty girl  
I'm callin all my girls  
I see you look me up and down  
And I came to party

We ended there. There was complete silence. I swear you could hear crickets chirping. We stared right back at all the people. Then, after about five seconds, we walked towards the door. By the time we reached it, we were in a full-out sprint, and my chopsticks/knitting needles had fallen out of my hair.

There was going to be hell to pay the next morning.

::::::::::

I know that this chapter was so entirely unbelievable and unlikely, but it was SO FUN to write, and the plotbunnies were eating my soul, so I had to. I think this is one of my most favorite chapters. I love the description of the dresses and stuff.

Anybob, R&R folks!

Love,

**!Laura!**


	9. Bob the Hermit

(bows)

…:::…

After dashing back to our room, Crystyna and I lay panting on the beds, laughing and trembling at the same time. Laughing because the situation was hysterical, trembling because we knew we were in deep trouble and would have to face Legolas' wrath.

"Well, that was fun," Crystyna commented.

"Yeah. We're dead meat, though," I replied.

"…yep."

"I bet you ten bucks that he'll come up here to yell at us within half an hour."

"Laura, we don't have any money. And if we did, I wouldn't bet you, because you'd do anything to win a bet."

"That is so not true!"

"Yes it is. Remember the time we went to that party and you snorted Pixy Stix for two dollars?"

"I was drunk."

"You were not. You were sixteen and you were trying to impress that guy Peter."

"So what's your point?"

"My point is that you'll do anything to get that ten bucks-"

"But you just said we don't have money."

"Yes, I realize that, you ninny. But if we did have ten bucks, you'd do anything short of going back down to the hall and provoking Legolas to come yell at us."

"You know me too well, Tuna m'dear."

Not two seconds later, someone knocked on the door. We both squealed and dove under the beds.

"Um… no one is in here right now. They all died," Crystyna called.

"It is alright, girls, it's me," a female voice called.

"Arwen?"

"Yes."

"Oh thank god." I shimmied out from under the bed and unlocked the door. "We were afraid it was Legolas and that he was going to kill us." Arwen smiled.

"Well, he is acting rather murderous at the moment," she commented.

"Oh, biscuits."

"Laura, did you just say 'biscuits'?" Crystyna asked, glancing at me.

"Yes. Yes I did."

"That's so fetch."

"…right."

"Anyway," Arwen interrupted, "I think I know why you…did what you did. And if your goal was aiming to embarrass Gaya, I am happy to say that you succeeded. I am not too fond of her, either."

"Arwen, have I ever told you how much I love you?" I asked. She smiled.

"No, but I can say that without a doubt almost everyone that has ever met that woman has disliked her."

"She just doesn't like me and Laura 'cause we're too cool for her," Crystyna commented. I grinned and Arwen laughed.

"Well, I should probably go back to the dinner. I would highly recommend that the two of you keep clear from Legolas for a while." She gave us another attractive smile and closed the door.

"Well then," I said after a minute or two. "Should we be regretting that whole ordeal?"

"Naw," Crystyna said. "It was too much fun to regret."

"This is true."

"Let's go to sleep now."

"'k."

And so we did.

...:…

The next day Crystyna and I snuck out of the halls very early in the morning; the sun was barely over the horizon. We packed a small picnic lunch that consisted of bread, cheese, wine, grapes, cake, a leftover piece of ham from the night before, water, two eggs, and a bag of dried fruit.

We were just about to leave when Crystyna said, "We should probably leave a note to tell them where we're going."

"Ah, Tuna, you are a genius. Hand me a napkin and a pen, my lovely."

_Dear whoever cares,_

_We've gone coon huntin'. Yeehaw! Please pretend to care when you have some spare time. We'll be back when we feel like it, punk. Don't forget to write. See ya on the flip side._

_Muchos lurve from_

_The Wise Women of the __Forest_ (with lots of curlies and wavy lines)

"Perfecto." I attached it to our door and we went down to the stables.

We each rode our horses out the gates. The guards didn't ask where we were going, which was unusual. Instead they gave us these creepy grins that will forever scar me. So off we galloped into the wild blue yonder, a.k.a. the area outside of the city by the foot of the mountains. Then we started climbing up the narrow paths, because I wanted to show Crystyna where Elrohir and I had gone on our midnight ride. Ooer.

It took a lot longer to get there than I had expected. The sun was high in the sky by the time we reached the area my lovely elf had taken me.

"This took longer than I expected," I called over my shoulder. "Sorry."

"Well, it could be the fact that we got lost at least three times."

"Hey, I never was good at geography."

As we climbed higher I turned around to grin at Crystyna. She didn't seem to be sharing my excitement, however. In fact, she looked quite scared.

"What's the matter, Tuna?"

"I don't like it here. It's spooky," she said, her voice trembling slightly.

"Psshaa. It's fine. Elrohir wouldn't have taken me up here if it wasn't safe."

"Hello, he's an _elf. _Elves are super cool and have super cool fighting skills. He could have gotten rid of like, ten orcs by himself if he wanted." I glanced around. It actually was rather creepy. It sort of looked like the area that Frodo and Sam had been in when they met up with Gollum. But, being the brave, courageous woman that I am, I led on the way.

As we rounded a turn in the path, the sound of rocks falling filled the air. I looked up, terrified that I would see huge boulders coming down to squash me. But it was just a few pebbles that had fallen off a ledge above us. I glanced back to Crystyna, who was holding her horse's mane in a death grip. I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I don't think she noticed. We went on.

A few minutes later we heard the rocks again, but this time we noticed something else: the sound of someone scuffling away, as though trying not to be seen.

"Okay, time to go," Crystyna whispered. Before we could, though, a figure came toppling off the ledge and landed right in front of Duke. It was wearing a black cloak with the hood over its head. Duke reared up and neighed. The person looked up. We screamed, he screamed, and then all of us ran in opposite directions screaming. Once we had galloped a sufficient ways away, Crystyna started sobbing.

"Ohmygodohmygod, it was a Nazgul! Oh my god I don't wanna die again! Can we please go back, please Laura, I'm so scared," she whimpered.

"Well for one thing, it wasn't a Nazgul, because the Nazgul are dead or whatever. Plus, whoever, or whatever, that was, it screamed like a human being, not a supernatural creature."

"I don't _care,_ Laura! I'm scared out of my mind and I want to go back home!"

"Well, fine, but I'm gonna go see what it is. Don't come if you don't want to."

"No, don't leave me! I'm not going down there alone!"

"Suit yourself. Stay here, then. Alone. By yourself." I turned Duke around and walked away.

3…2…1…

"Wait, wait! I'm coming!"

When we got back to the place where the thing had fallen, I stopped and looked up. I yelled, "Hallo! Whoever you are, come out here! We won't hurt you unless you hurt us, or unless you hit on us!"

No response. Crystyna whimpered.

"We're poor, defenseless, hot, curious women! Come on out here!"

Silence. Crystyna sniffled.

"We've got food!"

Immediately I saw someone peak out around a rock. They were wearing a black cloak, but this time the hood was pulled back to reveal an old man's face. He had a very long white beard, and deep blue eyes. I gulped and forced myself to smile.

"Hello. We've just come up here for a picnic, and-"

"Are you from the White City?" the man asked in a raspy voice.

"Er…no. We're actually from another world." The man clearly thought I had lost my mind, which I probably had.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Long story."

"Very well." He perked up a bit and smiled. "I say, did you say you have food? Wonderful! Come with me, I'm positively ravenous." I dismounted quickly; this guy seemed cool. He didn't talk without using contractions like everyone else did. Crystyna hesitated, then slowly slipped off the back of her horse and followed me. As we rounded a bend we came across the opening to a cave. Inside there was a small fire burning. The man ducked under the archway and beckoned for us to follow. We did, and seated ourselves on some old cloaks laying on the floor.

"Make yourself comfortable. My name is Ithildinren."

"Pardon?"

"My name is Ithildinren."

"What's that again?" Crystyna asked.

"_Ithildinren_," he repeated for the third time, irritated.

"Oh. Um, may we call you something else? That's sort of hard to say."

"If you wish."

"Awesome. Can we call you Bob?"

"It matters not. I haven't been called anything for many years. What are your names?"

"I'm Crystyna, and that's Laura."

"Such strange names. Bob, Crystyna, and Laura. Very peculiar."

"Wicked names. So, Bob, why do you live in a cave?" I asked. Crystyna began taking food out of her bag. Bob eyed it hungrily.

"I was exiled from Minas Tirith many years ago," he answered, tearing a large piece off the loaf of bread we had brought.

"What for?"

"I was accused of helping the Dark Lord Sauron during the War of the Ring." Crystyna made a strange noise, and a flood of terror washed over me. Bob seemed to notice this. "Oh, don't worry. I stopped assisting him when Saruman came along. So I came to live up in these mountains. No one ever comes here; they all think it's haunted."

"Wonderful," Crystyna squeaked.

"Yes, indeed," Bob said, apparently not catching on to the sarcasm. "I get very lonely, though, so it was a relief to see you two. Although I thought you were Elves at first, with your long hair and green tunics."

"What, don't you live elves?" I asked.

"Oh, Valar no. I hate them. Pesky things, really." I glanced at Crystyna.

"Heh heh… yeah. Pesky."

"I saw some here a few nights ago. They were on horseback. It was very late, nearly three in the morning, from what I could tell by the stars." I gulped and took a quick swig of wine. Crystyna glared at me and handed a piece of ham to the wizard, who gnawed on it greedily.

"You know, Laura, we should probably get going soon," she said loudly and obviously. I squished a grape between my fingers sheepishly. Bob looked sad.

"Don't leave yet. I get so lonely, and you've only just gotten here."

"I'm really sorry, but we need to be heading home. I promise we'll come back to see you soon, though!" I said helpfully. Crystyna gaped at me, and Bob looked thrilled.

"I'll greatly look forward to it. Farewell!" he called as we ducked out of the cave. We mounted our horses and trotted back down the slope.

"I cannot _believe_ you, Laura! You're so retarded! Why did you tell him we'd go back soon? He's so weird!"

"Dude, he's totally awesome. He's like Gandalf, only a bad guy. But now he's a good guy!" I finished quickly as I saw the look she was giving me.

"You are so dumb."

By the time we got back to Minas Tirith, it was early afternoon, probably around two o'clock. People were milling about the city, doing whatever it is that poor people in another world do. But they were all acting strange. Every single woman we passed glared viciously at us, and all the men (minus the very young boys) smirked or hooted when they saw us ride past.

"Well, this is rather disgusting," I commented quietly as a fat toothless man winked at us and grinned.

"Laura, Crystyna!" someone shouted. I stopped Duke and saw Aelis shoving her way through the crowd.

"Oh no," Crystyna hissed. "She's going to kill us for what we did last night!"

"I'm so glad I found the two of you!" she said excitedly. Her eyes were glittering with happiness. "I have the most wonderful news!" She stopped and beamed at us.

"Well, what is it?" Crystyna asked after about ten seconds.

"Well, by now I'm sure everyone in the city knows about your antics last night," she said, trying to act angry. But we saw right through that. I think it was the broad grin that gave it away. "Well, you know Blossom was there, and she thought that it would be fabulous to ruin my reputation by telling everyone that I knew the two of you."

"Gee, thanks," I muttered. She laughed happily.

"Anyways, her plan _completely_ backfired, so now everyone knows that I know you, and they assume my father, who owns the inn, knows you as well. People are positively _flooding_ the pub downstairs, trying to spot the two of you! The men were so furious when they found out that you weren't there. We've made so much money today, thanks to you girls. My father wants to hire the two of you to make appearances." My jaw dropped, and Crystyna was beaming even more broadly than Aelis was.

"That is fan-bloody-_tastic_" she shrieked. "We'll totally do it! Oh man, we can get money, and we can wear our awesome dresses all the time, and-"

"Hold up, Tuna. I don't think Legolas will be too happy to hear about it," I warned.

"Oh, he'll think its great that we've gotten a job and can get out of his hair."

"Good point."

"So you'll do it then?" Aelis asked, pleading with her eyes.

"Ah, hell, why not?" I said, smiling. She squealed and hugged my legs.

"Oh, thank you so much! You have no idea what this means to me! You two are great friends! Father wants to meet you tomorrow afternoon at suppertime, so come down and wear those dresses you made; it'll make a good impression. I can't wait until you start working, it will be so much fun." She beamed again. "I will see you tomorrow evening!" She disappeared back into the crowd, fairly leaping with joy.

"Man, I can't wait to see everyone's faces when they find out that we've practically become prostitutes," Crystyna commented proudly.

"I know, it's gonna be fab."

"Laura, Crystyna!"

"What now?" I grumbled. I perked up, though, once I saw that it was the lovely Twins (with a capital T.)

"Everyone seems rather fond of you now, I've noticed," Elrohir said with a coy smile. I smirked.

"Everyone minus the women, at least." They laughed.

"We found the note on your door. Did you catch any, ah, 'coons'?" Elladan asked. Crystyna tossed her hair flirtatiously at him.

"Well, we would have, but the coons had a pressing social engagement, so we couldn't kill them as we would have liked to," I said in mock sadness.

"I'm sure," Elrohir said.

"Legolas positively had a fit when he saw that the two of you had left before he could yell at you…again," Elladan commented with a sneaky grin.

"Huh. Well, he's going to love us even more when we tell him the great news we have." The twins glanced at each other.

"This will be good," they said simultaneously.

"I bet you ten bucks he'll yell at us within thirty seconds," I said to Crystyna.

"You're on."

…:::…

Oh, BOO YAH! Who updated after nearly two months of not updating!? LAURA, THAT'S WHO!!! Yeah, baby, this took me an hour to write. I know it was boring, anticlimactic, and dull, and didn't even compare the excitingness that was the last chapter (hahaha), but oh well, at least it's something! (does a happy dance) Well, y'all better review, if ya know what's good for ya. (twirls pistol around) Hoo-ah!

Lurve,

**_!Laura!:._**


	10. New job has catastrophic results

Okay, okay. Fine. I'll update. Geeze. It's been over two months and Laura is a bad girl who is bad at updating. (slaps own wrist) Meh.

**To the chick who said I probably wouldn't read her review (and anyone else who was wondering the same thing):** Hun, I read every single review I get (minus the flames), and I treasure each one, because I often get great ideas from you guys. I also love hearing praise about my stories (which I personally think are crap) and gloating about all the "WE LOVE YOU LAURA"s. So thanks again for your reviews! They're appreciated!

**Misao, Demon Master: **Yes, I often do greet people by saying "hiya" in a strange voice. It's fun.

I can't believe that over the last year and a half my stories have become so popular. It's so awesome. I went from a total of 50-something reviews on my first story to over 350 in the first "Celery Sticks", and I think I'll pass even that mark. It makes me so happy that you guys love my writing so much. Sorry that the first two stories were so stupid. LOL. Enjoy this chapter!

We both peeked out the doorway, then tiptoed down the hallway. Both of us had a canvas sack thrown over our shoulder which had our dresses and shoes in them. As we crept along, the heels of the shoes kept banging together, making us stop short and check for someone following us.

"We are so gonna get caught," I hissed to Crystyna. "We should have brought the stuff down earlier this afternoon and hidden it somewhere."

"Laura, you need to stop stressing out. I mean, really, I've had a ton of experience sneaking out of places."

"I'm sure," I muttered dryly. Crystyna motioned for me to stop as she looked around another corner, and then quickly pressed herself against the wall as I did the same. We held our breaths as a soldier walked by whistling to himself, then let out a sigh because we were unnoticed. Then we crept around the corner, and there it was. The main exit, only about one hundred yards away. Beyond that, escape! Freedom!! Party!!!

"On three, we make a mad desperate dash for the door, okay?" Crystyna whispered. "Okay... three!" And we both sprinted frantically towards the large doors, somehow managing to get all the way without being noticed. We hid behind a pillar, panting.

"Well, that was highly unexpected," I gasped.

"What?"

"Us making it all the way here without Legolas popping out of nowhere to tell us off."

"Yeah, that is kinda weird. Maybe he died or something."

"Don't say that."

"Elves can't die, Laura."

"Well….maybe he got run over by a rogue ent."

"Whatever. Go open the door." I snuck out from our hiding place and turned the handle. The silence in the hall made the _click_ of the handle sound about a thousand times louder. Crystyna tensed and looked around cautiously, then motioned for me to open it. As I pulled, the hinges let out an enormous _creeeeeaaaak._

"Why, God!? Why, of all days, did you make this hinge magically start to rust on the _one day_ it was crucial we get away uncaught?" I wailed quietly. But two minutes later, no one had even seemed to notice.

"Good God, this is definitely a sign of the Apocalypse," Crystyna mumbled as we dashed to the stables. "I mean, when was the last time we tried to get somewhere without getting caught in the act?"

"Um, that's never happened," I pointed out.

"Precisely. So why should it start happening now?" she replied, looking through one of the stable windows. "No one's there that I can see. Let's go."

We opened the stable door nonchalantly and strolled over to our horses' stalls.

"Who's there?" someone called.

"Oh, for Christ's sake," I moaned. Legolas stuck his head out the tack room door.

"Hello there," he said cheerfully. "Where are you two off to?"

This wasn't the goddamn plan! Hell, we didn't even _have_ a plan! So, naturally, we said what was most reasonable.

"Well, we're going on a picnic," Crystyna said at the same time as I said, "We're going shopping." Legolas blinked.

"Well which is it?"

"Shopping," Crystyna replied.

"Picnicking," I answered. We looked at each other and groaned.

"What do you have in your bags?" he asked, not suspiciously.

"Food."

"Money."

He simply looked at us and then held out his hand. Crystyna gave it to him without any hesitation. He opened the sack, looked in, then closed it and handed it back.

"Where are you really going?" He didn't sound very angry at all. Me and Crystyna exchanged a glance, then told the truth, and about the job.

"And no matter what you do, you're not gonna stop us," I said defiantly. He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"I understand. But… we need to have a talk." He patted a bale of hay on the floor and we sat on it. He sat on a tack box on the other side of the aisle.

"Ever since the two of you came here the first time, I realized that you were not like most humans I have encountered. True, you came from another world, but it did not seem logical for everyone in your world to act as… uniquely as you two do. I suppose that is just the way most teenagers act there.

"But now you've come back, and I have noticed something. Although you have matured physically-" Crystyna cut him off with a giggle "-you do not have seemed to have matured at all emotionally or socially. It is almost as though the two of you came back with the same personality as when you left, which is strange, since you have aged several years. It would seem normal to me for the two of you to have calmed down a bit over the past years."

I thought for a moment. "Y'know, you're right. I don't think I acted like this back on regular Earth, did I Crystyna?"

"No, not really. I mean, you were still acting stupid and immature, but not nearly as bad as you are now."

"Thanks," I said dryly. "And you've just become Miss Prim and Proper," I added sarcastically.

"Well it's _true_," she complained.

"Anyways," Legolas interrupted, "can you think of any logical reason for you to act differently here than there?"

"Legolas, we've just been transported from one dimension to another. Nothing is logical anymore," Crystyna pointed out. He chuckled.

"I suppose that is true." He sighed. "I apologize for acting so strictly towards you. I realize that you are young women now, but you still seem like children to me, and I still feel responsible for you. But just know that you do not have to sneak around avoiding me."

"Sorry," I mumbled. I suddenly felt somewhat guilty for what we had put him through.

"It's all forgiven. But just remember something." He looked at us, one eyebrow raised. "If you mess up even more than you have, which would be nearly impossible, I could embarrass you even more than I did when I made the twins wear Arwen's dresses. The resemblance was uncanny."

Christ, what an image.

"Okay… that's creepy. And we need to go, we were supposed to be at the inn ten minutes ago," Crystyna said. Legolas smiled.

"Be careful. Let me know if anything goes wrong." He walked out of the barn and back up towards the hall. Crystyna and I looked at each other.

"Well, let's go whore ourselves around for some relaxation," she said cheerfully. So off we rode on Duke down to the first level of the city.

Aelis squealed when we opened the door and threw her arms around our necks. "Oh, how fun this will be!" she said, beaming. "I can't wait until you start coming every night!"

"Every night?" I spluttered, caught off guard.

"Yes. Father says that if all goes well, he wants you two to work full time. Won't it be grand?"

"Errr…" Crystyna looked at me and shrugged. "Well, let's just see how it goes tonight. If it's all good, then I guess we can come once in a while." Aelis grinned even broader and took our hands and led us inside.

"Ah, hello there!" An older man, probably in his early sixties, came out from behind the bar. He was partially bald and had white hair and a mustache. "I am Aelis' father, Tiner," he said, shaking our hands. "It is a great pleasure to meet you."

"Where is everyone?" I asked.

"Oh, the inn does not officially open until sundown, about an hour from now," Aelis explained. "It will give you time to eat and get ready, and then we can explain what we would like you to do." I wasn't feeling very hungry. To tell the truth, I was nervous. Not because I didn't want to show off to a bunch of men (I'm quite fond of that really), but because Lord knew what was going to happen when they saw us.

Aelis ushered us to a table and then went off to get our food. She came back a couple minutes later with wooden plates piled high with greens and what looked like a steak, as well as a loaf of bread with butter.

"You will have to excuse the small amount of food; we need to save it for the guests," she apologized. I gaped at her.

"Aelis, there's enough food to feed an army here. Why apologize?" She beamed at me.

"Thank you for being so understanding. Well, we are running a bit late, so I will just explain the process to you while you eat.

"Forgive the comparison, but the two of you are mostly, how do you say, lures to get people to come to the inn. We have not been doing as well as we would like over the last few years, and my father has come close to closing the inn down. But now that the two of you are here, and being as pretty as you are, you are sure to attract plenty of men." She looked like we were sent from heaven. I gulped. I hoped she wasn't expecting us to make this a long-term commitment, but from the looks of things, she was. Crap.

"So basically all we need you to do is to wear those dresses, which will certainly attract attention," she giggled, "and simply walk around and talk to the men. And, if you would like to, you can-"

"Aelis, excuse me for interrupting, but we are _not_ going to act as whores," I said sternly. "I may not have much self-respect, but I don't swing that way."

She blushed furiously. "Oh goodness, I should hope not! That is not at all what we wanted you to do! In fact, we are going to make that quite clear to the men. We draw the line at kissing."

"No, we draw the line _before_ kissing," Crystyna argued. "I'm sorry, but no. I've seen some of the men that live in this city and I do _not_ want to kiss them."

"Yeah man. We want bodyguards. Bodyguards that could eat an entire oliphaunt if they wanted. Hell, I want a bodyguard the _size_ of an oliphaunt."

"Oh. Oh, I see," Aelis stuttered, embarrassed. "I understand, I would not want to kiss them either." She laughed. "Do not worry, we will have someone keeping an eye on you all night to make sure there is no trouble."

"Who's that going to be?"

"Us, of course," said two voices. I leaned backwards in my chair, laughing when I saw who it was.

"I have a feeling that most of these men will not be intimidated by two elves who are less than half as big around as they are," I said to Elladan.

"That is why we will be sitting alone in a corner with our hoods up, so that they do not suspect anything," Elrohir commented.

"Not exactly an oliphaunt, are you, Elf boy?" Crystyna said with a smirk.

"I am sure there will not be any trouble, but you can never know, which is why we decided to ask them for the job. We knew that the four of you were quite good friends," Aelis said with a smile. "Now the two of you should be getting ready, we only have thirty minutes. If you go up those stairs and turn left, there is a small room where you can prepare yourselves." We thanked her for the great meal and then trotted up the stairs with our bags slung over our shoulders.

"Well, déjà vu, eh?" Crystyna asked, examining her hair in the little mirror on the wall.

"Indeed," I replied as I finished with the small bit of makeup I was applying. I sighed. "Crystyna, do you think Aelis wants us to do this for a long time? I mean, it might be nice for one time or two, but if it's going to be a full-time job, I don't want to have to come down here every night."

"I know. Let's just tell her that this is a sort of test run, kay? I mean, we're not required to stay for a long time, right?"

"I hope not." I listened as a loud crash came from downstairs. "Good God, is there a bar fight going on?" The sound of laughter floated up through the floorboards.

"Naw, I think someone just got piss drunk and toppled off his chair or something," Crystyna commented, unfazed. How was it that she was less nervous than I was?

"Well," she said, taking a deep breath, "you ready?"

"I think so."

"Let's go then." She looped her arm through mine and we walked down the stairs together. A blast of air that smelled of ale, smoke, and sweat met our noses, and I cringed. When we were four steps from the bottom the tavern went completely silent. You could literally hear the crickets chirping outside.

"May I present you Miss Crystyna and Miss Laura!" Aelis' father shouted. Immediately a roar filled the room and we were literally pulled down by two men who had grabbed our arms. Immediately Crystyna was off flirting and giggling with a group of thirty year old men. The man who had my arm leaned in towards my ear and whispered hello.

"Uh, heh, um, hey. What's happening?"

"You tell me," he muttered with a creepy grin that showed yellowing teeth. I tossed my hair and pulled my arm away.

"If you'll excuse me, I have work to do," I said, and with that I walked off, sporting a flirtatious grin. "How ya doin', fellas?" I asked a group of men who appeared to be about fifty. "You're lookin' swell."

It was all very _Hello, Dolly!_

A man walked up and thrust a mug of ale in my hand, then launched into his hopes for the future, which, unfortunately, involved me marrying him. I downed the ale and handed the glass back. "Sorry honey, but I'm not a marrying sort of girl," I said nonchalantly, then bounced off to join up with Crystyna. She was standing around talking to a group of surprisingly good-looking young men about our age.

"How are you tonight, boys?" I said over all the hubbub in the background. Their response was an excited mumble. They looked extremely pleased to have both of us to themselves. Crystyna glanced over her shoulder then motioned with her head towards the corner. I stood on my tiptoes and saw two figures sitting in a corner, completely silent. One of them inclined their head slightly at me and I grinned and waved.

"So boys, how about one of you buys us some drinks?" Crystyna said with a wink. At once all of them scrambled towards the bar. She looked at me. "Shit on a stick, this is too easy. I've never been able to wrap a guy around my finger so fast before."

"Well, neither of us has ever been the biggest slut in the world before," I offered. She grinned and thanked the lucky gentleman who arrived back first by sitting on his lap. "It comes in pints?" she exclaimed. When she saw the look of confusion on the boy's face, she cooed. "Why, such a nice gesture. Thank you, honey." The guy looked ecstatic as the other four looked unsure of what to do with an extra ale each. I was then remembered and had four mugs thrust at me.

"Whoa there, I'm not that big of a drinker," I said, pushing them away. Crystyna snorted.

"Liar."

I took one of the mugs but only finished half of what was in it. Truth was, I didn't want to get completely shithoused, for understandable reasons. If I had, who knows whose bed I would have ended up in? It most likely wouldn't have been mine, and I most certainly wouldn't have been alone. Yuck

An hour later we were still wandering around, and Crystyna was still accepting pints, even after the little carrying-out-the-door incident she had by some pervert. Why she came back, I have no idea.

I decided to sit down in a chair, since my legs were feeling rather wobbly and the room was spinning. I wondered what they put in the ale that made it so… hallucinogenic. It wasn't easy sitting down: my butt had been pinched so many times it was probably bruised.

I looked up as a man sat down next to me and put his arm on the back of my chair. He positively reeked of beer and what smelled like whiskey. Or maybe tequila. Tequila? They have _tequila_ in Middle Earth? Fabulous!

But anyway.

I was grossed out by the stench, so I stood up. "If you'll excuse me, I need some fresh air. I feel a bit sick." _'Cause of your smell_, I added mentally.

"Well, then I'll come too," he slurred. He was obviously very drunk.

"No, I'm fine, thank you. I can get out there-" Before I could finish my protest he had his arm around my shoulder in a death clutch and was steering me towards the back door. I threw a frantic look over my shoulder towards the corner where the twins were sitting. Immediately one of them leapt up and started pushing his way through the crowd just as the man started pulling me out the door.

"Now," he said, slamming the door and pushing himself up against it, "how much?"

"How much what?" I stammered, trying to back away. He reached out and grabbed my shoulder and pulled me close to his face. The smell made me want to vomit.

"For your…services." He smirked at me.

"Let go, you're drunk and I'm not like that. Let _go!_" I yelled, trying to get away. I heard one of the twins banging on the door, but the man was so big that even he couldn't push through.

"C'mon now, missy, y'know you want to," he laughed as he tightened his grip. "You can't get away."

_This is so cliché I don't even know where to begin,_ I though ironically. Then I pulled my leg back and kicked him as hard as I possibly could between his legs. He roared and fell to the ground in a fetal position. I laughed.

"Not so tough now, are ya, ya retarded butt cuddler?" I sneered. I was not, however, expecting him to grab onto my ankle.

"I'll kill ya!" he yelled. I stumbled and fell to the ground on my back. Soon he was next to me and trying to pull a small knife out of his belt. I screamed as someone came up behind him and kicked fiercely at his side, causing him to roll off and curl up into a ball once again. Whoever it was pulled me to my feet and started dusting off my dress.

"Are you alright?" he asked. I nodded.

"Who are you?" I stuttered, not sure which one it was.

"It is Elladan," he responded. I let out a sigh of relief. "What happened?"

"Look out!" I shrieked. The man had stood back up and was about to strangle the elf. Without turning around, Elladan threw his fist over his shoulder. His hand connected with the man's face with a sickening crunch, and the man crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"Whoa. Nice move."

"Thank you. Now what happened?"

"You _saw_ what happened. He practically raped me!"

Elladan sighed. "This is exactly what Legolas was worried would happen. I'm afraid we-"

"Don't worry. There is no way in hell I'm coming back here again. I've been inches from death too many times since I've gotten here and I'm gonna do my best for it to not happen again."

I was back in our room, curled up under the sheets. A maid had gotten me a warm drink, and Legolas and the twins were sitting in chairs by the bed. Legolas was giving me the "I told you so" look.

"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. But you don't have to worry, I'm not going back there again," I assured him.

"Apology accepted. I'm glad you made that decision on your own, because I do not want to keep ordering you around like slaves. But the problem is not with you, for once. It is with Crystyna. She refuses to quit because she insists that this is the most fun she has had in a long time. If she's not careful, something will happen to her as well."

"I'll try to talk to her," I promised.

"Good. We will stay here until-" Just then the door slammed open and hit the wall. Crystyna came storming in, throwing her cloak onto the other bed.

"Well, you've done it again," she said loudly.

"What?" I sat up in the bed and leaned against the headboard.

"You managed to go and play the damsel in distress by almost getting raped." She laughed sarcastically and sat down on the edge of her own bed. "Tell me, Laura. How the _hell_ do you manage to do this every goddamn time?" I stared at her.

"Crystyna, you're acting stupid. You've had too much to drink."

"This has nothing to do with being drunk, Laura. You always mess things up, don't you realize that? We finally had something to do where Legolas wouldn't constantly be on our backs about it, bitching all the time, and now you've fucked it up once again. Congratulations."

I tried to change the subject. "Crystyna, you can't go back there again. You'll get hurt if you do. I mean, God! Both of us were forced out the door within two hours!"

"You're just jealous because I got way more attention than you did!" she snarled. I was taken aback. We had never had a huge fight like this before. The change in her attitude caught me off guard. "You don't want me to have any fun because _you_ can't have any. Selfish bitch. God, I'd rather live at the tavern than hang around you." With that she flew out the door and slammed it behind her.

The elves all looked at the door as I started sobbing.

Whew. Dramatic. Sorry, Tuna, but something had to happen! I don't think you're a bitch! I wub oo! :O In a non-lesbian way, of course.

Please review! Hope y'all have a happy Christmahanukwanzika!

Lurve,

**_.:!Laura!:._**


	11. Another Riveting Chapter

Title: Another Riveting Update….

…

which is mostly an A/N. DON'T KILL ME. THERE'S (some) STORY IN HERE (somewhere)!!!

Anybob. Hello there, young children! Yes yes yes, I _know_ I haven't updated. In a long time. And you want to castrate me with a spoon right now BUT…

Too bad.

'Cause if you do that then you'll NEVER GET AN UPDATE!! AHAHAHAHAH!!!

(ahem)

Just for a little fun, I thought I'd do something cool, and give you my vision of what the trailer for "ROTROTCS" would be like. Enjoy! (Hint: whenever CTV talks, he is talking off a black screen with white letters. When anyone else says something, it's a scene out of part of one of the stories. Got it? Sweeeeet.)

_(black screen, classic trailer preview voice CTV)_

CTV: In a world… where evil once ruled…

_(flash of Sauron's big ugly face)_

CTV: …danger is around every corner…

_(shot of orc carrying Laura away screaming)_

CTV: …elves defy the laws of gravity…

_(shot of Legolas standing on the back of a horse shooting arrows)_

CTV: …and PMS ain't just one week a month…

_(shot of two angry looking brown eyes)_

CTV: …comes the story of two heroines…

_(silhouettes of two girls Crystyna and Laura on a mountain with lightning in the background)_

CTV: …who are completely out of their minds.

Crystyna and Laura: …huh?!

Legolas: _(sigh)_

_(Usher's "Yeah" chorus starts playing, black screen with white letters)_

CTV: _(reading text on screen)_ On a certain date hopefully within the next two months…

Laura: _(movie clip)_ We're gonna be totally hot!

CTV: ...no…

Crystyna: _(movie clip)_ Legolas is gonna be so pissed…

CTV: …_no_…

Laura: _(movie clip) _We made sweet procreational whoopee. He had a really large pe-

Elves: _(sitting around campfire, covering ears and wincing)_ Erggghhh.

Legolas: NO.

Laura: _(smirk)_

CTV: The Two Fools make their return.

Crystyna and Laura: WOO! _(high five)_

CTV: And this time, it ain't gonna be pretty…

_(shot of Crystyna and Laura clawing at each others' faces and screeching)_

CTV: …or is it?

_(shot of the twins looking sexy with heavenly music in background)_

Laura: _(on her knees) _Thank you God, I am in heaven…

Suga Daddy: No you ain't. You dead.

Laura: WHAT??

_(Title screen with big gold LOTR style letters)_

CTV: Legolas Stalker's RETURN OF THE RETURN OF THE CELERY STICKS.

Crystyna: Oh. HELL. Yes.

COMING SOON(ish) TO A COMPUTER SCREEN NEAR YOU

**Rated** SSS – Stupid and Slightly Slutty

Well that was fun. Hooah. I'm outta here, kids. Look for an update by… uh… March 31st or so. (d'oh)

Mucho Lurve,

Laura


	12. A plan goes awry

So, after two days of battling overloaded servers and my stupid anti-virus program that somehow blocked this site, I finally managed to update this DAMN story. Stupid website. Pah. sniffs I hope you all also realize that I risked getting my butt chopped off to write/upload this chapter because I'm technically grounded from the computer. Uh huh. 

Oh, I haven't had one of these things for a while…

**Disclaimer:** Your _mom_ needs a disclaimer. Oooh, shut down. You got served, biznatch!

Anyways, without further ado, here is Chapter… uh, whatever number we're on.

* * *

"You lied to me," I grumbled as I adjusted the arrow. It slipped down again as soon as I tried to aim.

"How so?" Legolas asked, adjusting my arms.

"You said there would be hot guys here. I'm not seeing any."

"I never said that they were attractive, I merely said there were going to be many specimens of the male gender here."

I glanced around the archery range. All of the guys were either too old to function, or so young that their voices were still squeaky.

"You should have been more specific," I growled, centering the arrow on the bow.

Legolas sighed. "Stop bending your arms, Laura. Your arrow won't fly straight if you don't."

"Bite me," I hissed, but straightened my arms anyway.

"I think I'll pass. Changing the subject, I talked to Crystyna earlier today."

Crystyna was still angry at me, so I had started hanging around with Legolas and the twins. I had a feeling that their patience with me was wearing thin, though, seeing as they all felt inclined to roll their eyes every time I tried to talk to them.

"Yeah?" I said, looking at him over my shoulder. "What'd she say?"

"She said she would like to talk to you after we're done with your archery lesson."

I was surprised. Even though we still shared a room, she had ignored my existence for the last ten days. I had just been waiting until she cooled off.

"Oh, okay. Well, can we speed this up a bit then?" I asked.

"Very well. Once you actually hit the target in the center we will be finished." I glanced at the arrows that had hit everything _but_ the middle of the target, including the one that had somehow been lodged in the brick wall surrounding the range.

"But that'll take ages!"

"I don't think so. Just do your best."

"Legolas, we've been out here since eight this morning, and it's now almost ten thirty. I've shot a total of eight arrows, none of which have even come _close_ to hitting the target."

"The more time you take arguing with me, the longer we will be out here." I sniffed haughtily and closed one eye to aim. "There. Your form is nearly perfect. I just don't understand why you haven't hit the target yet…"

"Legolas, my arm is about to _fall off_. Just let me shoot the damn arrow."

"Fine, fine," he said impatiently. "Go ahead."

I let go of the arrow, and it left the string with a twang. It looked as though it might actually hit the target, until it veered towards the right. Three people hit the ground and covered their heads as it zoomed past them and stuck itself in some tall grass. Everyone else turned and glared.

"Sorry," I called weakly.

"That's the ninth time today!" a middle-aged bearded man roared.

Apparently Legolas also noticed the rather murderous gleam in everyone's eyes. "Um, I think that is enough archery for one day," he said quickly. "Come on, Laura."

"Get them!" a pre-pubescent boy screeched. We sprinted back towards the hall as everyone shouted angrily and aimed their arrows at our rear ends.

* * *

Safely back in my room (and with my butt in one piece), I sat down on the bed and waited for Crystyna. I was suddenly nervous. What if she was going to yell at me again? I didn't want to face her rather PMS-y wrath. I shuddered as I remembered all the times she had rather savagely beat up on her younger brother.

"Laura?" a woman's voice said. I screeched and fell off the bed as my train of thought came crashing into reality. "Whoa, a bit high-strung today, aren't we?" Crystyna asked as she peered over the side of the bed.

"No, just on an adrenaline rush. I barely made it back here with my ass in tact, you see."

"I don't even wanna know," she said, shaking her head. She patted the bed, indicating that I should sit next to her. I did, but on the other end so that I was out of her reach.

"So, uh, what's up?" I asked, keeping an eye on her hand.

"I just wanted to say… I'm sorry for what happened the other night," she said quietly. I sighed with relief. "I was kind of… you know…"

"Drunk?"

"Well, not piss-drunk, but tipsy."

"I understand." She gave me a doubtful glance. "No, really, I do. I've done some pretty retarded stuff too, you know."

"Yeah, I know. So, are we cool now?"

"Of course."

"Yay!" She leaned over and gave me a big hug, then stopped. "But, there is one thing that might make this a bit better…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" She hesitated. "Like… maybe next time you get kidnapped or almost raped…"

"Uh huh?"

"Um… could you try not to enjoy it so much?"

I gaped at her, my jaw hanging open. "Sorry, what?"

"Well, it's just that every time something bad happens to you, you always end up the center of attention." I continued to stare at her as she went on, "and I know you really like Elrohir, but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself in danger to get his attention, you know?"

"Wait, hold on a second," I said, putting up my hand to shush her. "Are you saying that you think I _try_ to get myself in trouble?"

"Well, not that you _try,_ per se, but that you maybe provoke a bad situation into a worse one, hence getting yourself into trouble, which leads to you being fawned over. You see what I mean?"

I tried to hide my outrage behind a sarcastic smile. "Yes, I see," I said through gritted teeth. She smiled, obviously not catching on to my anger.

"You're not mad, are you?"

"Of course not. Why would I be mad?" I replied, laughing loudly.

"Good, I knew you'd understand." She looked at the clock on the table. "Oops, I gotta run. Elladan wanted to show me around the third level. He says there are some great shops down there. See ya!" she called with a girlish grin. I smiled stiffly back as she dashed out of the room.

* * *

"What the **hell**!" I yelled, viciously stabbing some meat with my fork. Elrohir stared at me and dodged a piece of rogue potato that flew off my plate. "She thinks its _fun_ to be kidnapped? Oh yeah, it's such a treat to be carried off by some smelly orcs!" I stuffed the meat in my mouth and waved my knife at Elrohir. "Have you been taken as a hostage or something before?"

"Uh, I don't believe I have," he replied. "Laura, you should really calm down-"

"Calm down? _Calm down? _How can I calm down when everyone thinks that my life being in danger is just a big act to attract attention?" I slammed my fork onto the table to emphasize my anger. Not that it really needed to be emphasized.

"People are staring, Laura."

"Well, let them stare. I don't care. They all think I'm insane anyway."

"I'm sure they think more than that," he said under his breath.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. I didn't say a word."

I glared at him. "I didn't even try to explain to Crystyna how serious it is when someone gets kidnapped. She wouldn't understand."

"I am sure she wouldn't. The only time she has been in a situation like that was the last time you two were here, when the orcs took you outside of the Black Gate. And that doesn't even really count, considering you were only in danger for a few minutes."

I pushed some potato around my plate absentmindedly. "Yeah, those orcs were wimps anyway." I sighed. "I want to make her understand how I feel, but I don't know how."

"I don't believe there is anyway you_ can_ make her understand, Laura. Unless, of course, she somehow was kidnapped."

I stopped playing with my food and looked at him. "Say that again?"

"Well, unless Crystyna was kidnapped herself, I don't know if- why are you grinning like that?"

"I just had a most wonderful idea."

"Oh no…"

"Once your brother gets back, the two of you need to go find Legolas, then come find me. I'll be in my room." I stood up with a flourish.

"What are you scheming about now, Laura?"

I smirked at him. "Elrohir, my pet: I…have a plan!"

* * *

"Now wait a moment, Laura. I'm not sure if I understand this. You want me to act as _bait_?" Elladan asked.

"Not _bait_, exactly, but…" I stopped. "No, wait. 'Bait' pretty much sums it up." He looked unsure. "All I want you to do is set up a date with Crystyna at a certain location. Then, when you don't show up, Legolas, Elrohir and I will all show up in disguise and 'kidnap' her, you see? It's really quite simple."

"That seems rather hurtful," Elladan said.

"Aw, c'mon. After she stops being mad, she'll see what a brilliant idea it was and everyone will have a great laugh."

"Laura, remember that conversation we had about being _mature_?" Legolas said, giving me "the look".

"I _am_ being mature, Legolas. I'm trying to help Crystyna learn. That's a mature thing to do. I'm just doing it in an immature way, that's all."

"Well that makes it a lot better," he said dryly.

"Come on. Pleeeease?" I gave them all the puppy look, complete with the shaky bottom lip thing.

"Oh, not the face," Legolas said, looking away. I whimpered a bit, and he gave in. "Fine, we will help you. But when Crystyna tries to kill you afterwards, I'm not coming to rescue you."

"YAY! I love you, Legolas. You are my best pal."

"I'm sure."

"Okay, Elladan, now you need to go find Crystyna and set up your little rendezvous. Tell her to meet you behind Aelis' inn at nine thirty tomorrow night. You'll be wearing a black cloak with your hood up."

"Why would I need my hood up?"

"Tell her you don't want anyone to recognize you and get suspicious. Say it would be 'improper' or something. I don't know! Lie!"

"Why don't you just tell her yourself, seeing as you know all about it?" he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"_Because_ then it'll be obvious. Duh. Plus, she practically evaporates every time you talk to her. So go. Now." We all split up and went back to what we had been doing before. I, however, went back to my room to plot some more.

* * *

At nine o'clock the next evening, Elrohir, Legolas and I met in the stables and got ready.

"I don't see why this is necessary," Elrohir said, looking at the dirt I had rubbed on his hands and arms.

"Your hands are too feminine," I said, doing the same to Legolas.

"I resent that," he muttered.

"It's true. Besides, you smell too good. I highly doubt that men who go around kidnapping innocent women smell as clean as you do."

"If you say so. Can we please get going? I would like to be in bed before midnight."

"Okay, okay. Hold on." I rubbed some manure on myself, then mounted the horse I had borrowed. Duke snorted angrily from his stall. "Sorry, Duke," I called to him. "We don't want Tuna to recognize you. I still love you!" I turned to the others. "You guys ready? Well, then let's get goin'."

Legolas and Elrohir kicked their horses into a smooth canter and rode out of the stable. I kicked my own horse to follow them. It did absolutely nothing. "Ahem? Excuse me… horse? I said let's go." The horse shook his head snorted. "Please?" No response. "Look, I really don't see what's so hard about this. All I want you to do is go!" He didn't budge. "You fat cow! I said go!"

By now the elves had realized that I wasn't following them, and had come back to the entrance of the stable. They both laughed as I futilely kicked the horse in its ribs.

"I have a defective horse," I told them as Legolas brought his horse next to mine. He barely held the reins and tugged, and the horse leapt into a canter, nearly knocking me off.

"You gave me a sucky animal on purpose!" I snapped as we rode down the narrow streets.

"I wish I could say that we did, but I can promise you that it was not planned," Elrohir said with a grin.

Ten minutes later we were down at the inn. We quietly walked the horses around to the back, so Crystyna wouldn't hear us. It was rather pointless though. There was no sign of her.

"That is strange," Legolas whispered. "Perhaps she is in front?"

But there was no sign of her in front either. It was like she hadn't even shown up.

"Maybe she's inside. I'll go see. You guys can stay here." I dismounted and handed my reins to Elrohir. I doubt anyone really needed to hold on to the old nag, though: I probably could have lit a firecracker under its ass and it wouldn't have budged.

As I opened the door to the inn, the familiar stench of beer and ale hit my nose. I coughed and ducked my head, avoiding eye contact with anyone around me. Everyone stared; you'd think they'd be more used to seeing strange people wearing a black hood, but I guess not.

There was no sign of Crystyna in the pub, either. I was starting to get a bit peeved. Had Elladan revealed the plan to her? I'd kill him if he did.

I spotted Aelis through a crowd of rowdy men and shoved up to her. "Aelis!" I shouted over the men's' laughter. She turned around, her eyes narrowed. I saw her hand move towards a small knife that was tucked into her belt.

"May I help you?" she asked icily.

"It's me, Laura," I said, taking the hood off for a split second to show her.

"Laura!" she said, her expression immediately changing. "It's wonderful to see you! I thought you weren't allowed to come here anymore. Why are you dressed all in black?" She wrinkled her nose and took a step back. "And why do you reek of manure?"

"Long story," I told her. "Listen, have you seen Crystyna at all tonight?"

"Oh yes, she arrived here about an hour ago. She came in and had a drink, and we talked. She said she was meeting someone here," she added with a smile. "Then she went out to the back of the building. The last time I looked out the window, I saw her getting on a horse with someone dressed in a black cloak similar to yours. There were a few other people there, too."

So Elladan _had_ told her! "Was this person an elf?" I said dryly. Aelis frowned and shook her head.

"Oh no, he was much too short to be an elf. That band of men comes here often. They're rather notorious, you see. Rumor has it they are wanted for robbing a family and then murdering all of them."

It felt like my insides had turned to ice. "Why didn't you stop her?" I said hoarsely.

"Well, I didn't want to bother her…"

I wanted to scream at Aelis for being so stupid and so polite. "Which way did they go?" I said quickly.

"They rode down towards the entrance of the city. Wait- where are you going?" she shouted as I sprinted back towards the door.

"Can't explain!" I yelled back. When I got back outside I practically threw myself onto the borrowed horse. The elves looked perplexed.

"Laura, what's the hurry?" Legolas said.

I looked guiltily at him. "We have a bit of a problem…"

Okay, so right now you're all probably like, "What the crap man? Who would ever go that far out of their way to play a prank on someone?" Ooh, believe me, _I_ would. Haha. For seriously. If I had all the proper equipment (black cloaks, three horses and three sexy elves) I would so kidnap one of my friends. But anyways. Review, please! Grazie!

**_!Laura!_**


	13. Oh so cliche, and a cereal incident

I am beyond awesome. I have had two updates on this story in a little over a month. I am so dedicated (ish). La-x has been a bizzatch, so I have an excuse. Anyways, here's the chapter!

"This is beyond cliché," I said over the loud sound of the wind rushing past my head. "I mean seriously, how could Crystyna mistake a _murderer_ for Elladan?"

We had passed out of the city (not without strange looks from the guards) and were riding over the field towards the river. Elrohir had gone back to the halls to tell Elladan and Aragorn what had happened. I knew there would be hell to pay when we got back, and not just from Crystyna.

"Well, Laura, you should not be complaining, since it was your idea to do this in the first place," Legolas pointed out matter-of-factly. "And you do not have to yell, I'm right behind you." We had transferred over to one horse, since mine was being a jerk.

"Well you need to speak up, then, because I can hardly hear- AUGH!" The horse came to an abrupt stop at the bank of the river, making me loose my balance and fall off. Legolas sighed.

"Laura, stop goofing around. This is not a light matter."

I glared at him as I brushed the dirt off my rear end. "Well, ex_cuse_ me, I was unaware that all the horses in this place are out to kill me."

I looked around, and didn't really like what I saw. It was rather spooky. We were on the edge of Osgiliath, which still looked deserted after many years.

"Why are we stopping here? Couldn't we go somewhere, oh, I don't know… a little less terrifying?" I kept as close to the horse as was physically possible.

"I told Elrohir that we would me him and Aragorn at this spot. Besides, you have nothing to fear; no one ever comes here when they're in their right mind."

At that same moment a piercing shriek filled the air. In less than a second I was back on the horse and gripping Legolas for dear life.

"OhmygodI'mgonnadie!" I wailed.

"Laura, calm down! You look like you've seen a ghost. It was only an owl." He pointed at a nearby dead tree, where, in fact, there was no owl, let alone a bird of any kind. His hand fell back to his side rather quickly.

"Just an owl, huh, Legolas? Yeah, sounds like that owl wants to eat our souls," I mumbled. Legolas rather rudely told me to shut up and steered the horse a bit farther away from the possessed tree.

Ten minutes after that little incident, Aragorn and the twins came thundering up on their horses. Aragorn didn't look like a king anymore; he had gone back to his old Ranger look.

"Well, we should be thankful that you used to be a Ranger, shouldn't we, Elessar?" Elladan said as they dismounted.

"I suppose so," he replied with a smile.

"Do I get special privileges to keep calling you Aragorn?" I asked him.

"Oh, I suppose, but only because you knew me before I was Elessar," Aragorn said.

"Sweet."

"Perhaps we should spend less time talking and more time trying to find Crystyna," Legolas suggested. "Who knows what those men are doing to her…"

"The guards told us that she and the men with her rode to the river and then went upstream into Osgiliath," Elrohir explained. "They lost sight of them after that."

"I can see the tracks," Aragorn announced. "They are definitely leading towards the buildings."

"So we have to go back towards the scary tree," I said, looking pointedly at Legolas.

"If you do not want to go, you can stay here with the horses," he said over his shoulder. Aragorn was already striding away quickly, almost bent over double as he looked at the ground.

"Sounds more fun then going to my possible doom," I called back.

"Very well. Stay here with the horses. Alone." He started to jog away, then stopped. "I shall ask Aragorn if you may get special privileges to be buried nearer to the halls…"

It took a moment for that to seep in, then I quickly knotted the reins around a shrub and sprinted after the others.

We followed Aragorn all the way up to the edge of Osgiliath. He came to a halt at the edge of the city, where the path turned from dirt into cobbled stones.

"The hoofprints stop here, but you can tell that they kept going up this road," he told us.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Well, there are no tracks leading to either side of the road to indicate that they went around, and also you can see some mud on the stones." He pointed at the ground, where the minutest little piece of mud lay.

"Um, okay then…"

Everyone drew out their weapons. I, on the other hand, had nothing to defend myself with, and therefore decided that I'd just hide behind one of the elves.

"I can tell they are not far from here. I smell the smoke from their fire, and I could feel vibrations in the ground."

"Right," Elladan said. "When we find them, should we attack immediately or stay back?"

"Stay back, and let me talk to them," Aragorn insisted. "I may be able to talk them out of doing anything foolish."

Aragorn was right: it only took us about two minutes to find Crystyna. Apparently these were not the most brilliant kidnappers in Middle Earth, or they probably wouldn't have made such a big fire. Or so much noise, for that matter.

They were hiding in an empty building, which had partly fallen in many years ago; two whole walls were missing. We crouched down behind a waist-high wall that apparently separated had been taller at one time as well. Inside we could see the bandits sitting around the fire in a semi-circle. There were only seven of them. I scoffed. Taking them out would be simple pimple. They were all talking, drinking, and laughing, except for one. He had his hood up, and was completely silent. As far as I could tell, he didn't talk at all, and if anyone said anything to him, he simply nodded or shook his head. Perhaps he was the leader. The other bandits seemed sort of afraid of him.

Poor Crystyna was sitting in a corner, her ankles and hands bound tightly together. The strange thing was that she didn't seem all that scared. In fact, she almost seemed like she was enjoying herself. She seemed quite interested in the hooded man. Oh god, if this whole thing didn't get the point across, I may just have to hurt her.

"All right," Aragorn hissed to us. "I will expose myself first-"

He was interrupted by my uncontrollable giggling. Legolas slapped his hand over my mouth.

"-I will go out first and talk to them," he continued, rolling his eyes at me. "Elladan, Elrohir, and Legolas, you all stay behind me, but be ready in case any fighting occurs. And Laura… um… well, just try to stay out of the way."

"What, you don't want me to expose myself to them, Aragorn?" I said, trying not to laugh. Elladan told me to shut up.

"No worries," I said confidently. "I'll just hang back behind Elrohir. But don't fret, my pretties. I'll be there for moral support. No way will I ditch you guys." I grinned at Legolas' dry glare.

Aragorn stood up straight, "exposing" himself to the bandits. I had no idea how he was going to convince them to give Crystyna back to us.

"Greetings, my friends," he called. Oh, I guess that will work. "I am Lord Elessar, king of Gondor."

The bandits just looked at him, then started howling with laughter. Aragorn looked back at us over his shoulder, and the three elves popped up as well, their bows drawn and ready. Immediately the laughter ceased.

"Please do not make this more difficult than it has to be," Aragorn said calmly. "All we ask is that you give us the lady back."

"Oh really?" called one of the bandits. He seemed like he might be the leader's right hand man. "I'm quite sure we don't agree with you, sir." He whistled. Out of nowhere, at least twenty more bandits popped up at random places. We were completely surrounded.

"Oh. Shit," I squeaked. I was about to go back on my promise to not run away.

"Now ye see, even if you _were_ King Elessar, that doesn't really affect us much," the man continued.

"Then I am afraid we will have to take her back by force," Aragorn answered. He signaled to Elladan, who shot an arrow right past the bandit's face. He looked entirely unfazed. "You see, my good man," Aragorn continued, "you may out number us, but we have three elves on our side."

"Oh really?" said a smooth voice. I looked around, and saw that the hooded man was standing up, clutching a long wooden bow in his left hand. "Some of my brethren, then, perhaps?" He reached up and pulled off his hood, revealing a _very_ handsome face (I might even go so far as saying that he was as hot as the twins), long dark hair, and two very pointed ears.

"Whoa," I managed to choke out. The three elves had astonished expressions on their faces. The elf walked closer to us, casually resting his bow on his shoulder.

"You are looking at the most dangerous group of men in this part of Middle Earth," he said in his suave voice. It made me shiver. "I have trained all of them to be as good at shooting as any elf. We do not give back what we have taken, let alone things that _willingly_ came to us." His eyes slid over to meet mine, and he smiled. Well, it was more of a smirk, but come on. We were talking to one badass sexy elf, my friends.

"And what is a young lady like you doing with these four?" he asked, almost sympathetically. I melted. It was easy to see how this guy had charmed Crystyna. It probably didn't take much. He smiled again. "You and your friend are quite lovely, despite the fact that you are human."

See, I would have been offended, but I was trying rather hard not to pounce on him and start licking his face, or something equally as weird.

I managed to tear my eyes away from him and looked sidelong at the others. Their eyes were narrowed, and they had definite "bring it on, bitch" looks plastered on their faces. Aragorn was holding his sword (apparently he had exposed himself, teehee), and Legolas had a knife in each hand. All thirty-something of the bandits were slowly closing in around us.

"It is a pity that we didn't get to talk more," the elf said, turning away from me, "but-"

_ZING._

An arrow flew past my head and embedded itself into the elf's thigh. He crumpled to the ground, muttering in Elvish (probably cussing, actually). I looked behind me and cheered. The other five elves that had come with us from Ithilien were standing behind us, bows drawn and arrows strung. I grinned and waved at them. They acknowledged me with smiles.

"All right! Now let's go kick their…" I faltered when I turned around. Almost all of the bandits had disappeared, and those that were still visible were skittering away into the dark, leaving the hot bad elf behind. "Well, that was kind of lame…"

Elladan had already jogged over to Crystyna, who hadn't uttered a peep through out all of this. She stretched her arms and legs.

"Thanks, Elladan," she said, bestowing a flirtatious grin in his direction. When she turned back to face me, her eyes were enraged and her eyebrows had made a sharp V on her forehead.

"YOU HOOCH!" she screeched, coming at me in a full sprint. I managed to utter a small squeak before she plowed me to the ground. Before I could get away, she sat on my stomach and pinned my arms down. I would have made an innuendo joke about her being happy to see me, but I was more concerned about getting out of there alive.

"I almost _died_ back there! I can't believe you set it up so that I'd get kidnapped! Do you have any idea what they were saying? They were telling me all the things they wanted to do to me, which I was planning on saving for my _wedding night!_" I grimaced at the thought. "Although, that elf is pretty hot." She glanced over her shoulder and waggled her eyebrows, then glared back down at me. "You _so_ owe me, missy."

"Um…how about I be your slave for three days?" I wheezed, trying to breathe. She looked thoughtful, then smirked down at me. I knew immediately that I'd regret it.

Crystyna made me give her a piggie-back ride all the way back to where the horses were, which was about a quarter of a mile. By the time we got there my legs were about to fall off, and when she finally got off of me (not before making me let her stand on my back to get on the horse), my back wouldn't straighten out. I knew then that I would have rather been stuck in a room with ten horny orcs than continue being her slave girl.

After being enslaved for three days, I finally was set free and no longer had to give Crystyna a foot massage every morning. However, there were some pluses to those three days (and no, that doesn't include the one hour "lunch break" she granted me each day.) Aragorn discovered that the elf was exiled from his home in Lothlorien many years ago for some unknown reason. Probably for being too sexy and rivaling Galadriel's, er, "beauty." Aragorn ordered that the wound in his leg be healed, and that he be treated kindly in his lovely cell, and that when he was cured, he would be released somewhere in the middle of Rohan to fend for himself with a warning that, if he ever caused more trouble, he would regret it. (I think he ended up getting eaten by cannibals or something anyway.)

A week after the Crystyna Incident, as it was now called, and after my back would start staying straight without my effort, everything was back to normal, i.e., boring. I rolled out of bed at the crack of dawn (well, 9:30, anyway), got dressed in my normal clothing (which was now a dress, unfortunately), and stumbled on down to the kitchen. By now everyone was sick of waiting for Crystyna and I to get up for breakfast, so they ate at around 7:30 each day.

I tottered into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing my eyes. The cooks greeted me by name, since I had started showing up daily.

"Toast again today, Laura? Or how about some fruit?" Flora, the rotund, sweet old lady, asked.

"No, no toast. Fruit is too sweet. Hmm…" I suddenly got a craving for Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or Lucky Charms, or Froot Loops… ahhhh. "Do you have cereal around this place?" I asked. They gave me blank stares.

"What is…see-real?" the male cook, Fard, said with a perplexed look. I struggled for a way to describe this must-have breakfast food.

"Well, it's like… oats, flour, corn, and grain, and you grind it up and mix it together… hm… sugar, most of the time, too. I think they bake it, but I can't be sure. You serve it in a bowl and pour milk on it." The cooks glanced at each other.

"Well, we've never heard of it before," Fard explained, "but I think I understand what you mean. It will take about fifteen minutes to make, though."

I almost hugged him. "That's fine. I'm going to be down in the stables, so just call me when it's ready. Thanks so much, you guys."

I strolled down to the stables, sharing my good mood by waving at people (even those I had never seen in my life). Most of them just ignored me anyway. I fed Duke a handful of hay and talked to him (yes, I talk to my horse). There were a few scrawny dogs running around that I played with while I waited for breakfast.

After half an hour, I still hadn't been called up, and my stomach was growling loudly. I was about to give up and maybe eat some of Duke's hay when I heard someone come into the stable. Flora waddled in, holding a steaming bowl in her hand. Er…

"So sorry that took so long," she apologized, "but we couldn't find the flour." I sat down on a hay bale as she handed me the bowl with a proud smile. My grin faded when I looked into the bowl. This was definitely _not_ cereal.

If it looked like anything, I'd have to go with graham crackers, minus the little perforation things. There were four or five thin sheets of… something lying in the bowl, each about the size of a dollar bill. They were right out of the oven, because they were still steaming. There was about a centimeter of milk poured into the bottom, and a thick layer of undissolved sugar.

"Um, Flora," I said cautiously, "this isn't quite what I had in mind…" I trailed off as the proud smile was immediately replaced with an insulted and hurt frown. I quickly corrected myself. "I mean, it's even _better_ than what I had in mind! This looks fantastic."

The smile reappeared. "Well, go on and try it! If you like it, we may make it for everyone else in the morning as well." I looked at the sand-colored slabs. That was about the last thing I'd want to put in my mouth.

"Er…well, it still looks kind of hot, you know, so…"

"Oh, go ahead and try it."

"No, no, I'll wait-"

"NOW!"

I snatched one of the crackers and took a small bite out of it. Indeed, it still was hot. And it tasted like dirt. Literally. I tried to make my grimace into a delighted smile.

"Mmmmm, tasty," I said, hiding my gags. Flora beamed and then walked back up towards the halls with a confident air.

As soon as she was gone I spit the stuff on the stable floor and covered it with dirt. "Nasty," I muttered. I tried giving one of the pieces to Duke, but he laid his ears back and tried to bite my hand. The response from the dogs was no better. I put the bowl on the ground, and after sniffing it for about three seconds, they tucked their tails between their legs and backed away growling.

After ten minutes of attempting to force feed the "cereal" to some sort of animal (with no results), I heard someone coming towards the stables again. I assumed it was Flora. With nowhere to hide the stuff, I chucked it out the other end of the stable and slammed the door closed. I was relieved to see that it wasn't Flora, but Legolas.

"The cooks want their bowl back," he said. "Why do you have milk all over your dress?"

"Don't ask," I told him.

"Right." He didn't look surprised. I don't blame him. "Oh, and someone has arrived that would like to talk to you. Someone you haven't seen in quite a few years."

I wracked my brain to think of who it could be. I gaped when I realized who my admirer was. "Haldir?" I screeched. Without waiting for an answer, I bolted past him and back up to the hall.

"Er, well…actually," Legolas tried to say, but I wouldn't listen. I sprinted up the stairs, threw open the doors to the Hall, and stared.

"Oh my god," I gasped.

"Oh my beard," the visitor replied, looking worried. I screeched and dashed up to where the throne was. Before I got there, however, I tripped on my dress. I fell to my knees and slid the rest of the way up to him, knocking him onto his back. I leaned over the man and beamed at him.

"'Sup, Gimli?"

Awww, another reunion! How cute! This chapter is dedicated to the awesomely awesome Katie Beth aka Son of Watt, because her birfday is tomorrow (May 5). I WUV OO, WATT! Pencil! Lampshade! OH MY GOD, his tail is molesting Legolas!

Mucho lurve,

**_!Laura_****__**


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